


Long Ago and Far Away

by rvnclaw54



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, F/M, Marvel Universe, Post-Endgame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2020-06-03 19:32:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19470664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rvnclaw54/pseuds/rvnclaw54
Summary: Josephine (Jo) Reed's world begins to shake at the events in Avengers: Infinity War, she continues to have one constant, and that's her long-term relationship with Steve Rogers. But after the Avengers are able to defeat Thanos and bring back everyone that was dusted, Steve disappears to return the infinity stones to their proper place, and never returns. A developing friendship with Bucky Barnes makes her question everything she ever felt for Steve and Jo has to come to terms with this new world she's living in. One without the Avengers and one without Steve Rogers.





	1. Chapter 1

My sentence was cut short as the brilliant scientist before me crumbled into ashes, collecting into one small pile on the floor. I blinked incredulously and looked around Shuri’s laboratory for some sign of break in. People don’t just disintegrate in front of you, even in a world full of superheroes, aliens, and demigods, scientists don’t turn into ash right before your eyes.

“Shuri?!” I screamed out as I fell to my knees. The cool tile floor held no relief to the burning temperatures of summer in Wakanda. I almost touched the neat pile of grey dust that sat before me, but it felt too morbid. That was Shuri. She couldn’t just turn into dust. When I last checked into Steve, he said the battle was moving slowly uphill, they had the reinforcements they needed when Thor arrived with a talking racoon and a tree. I didn’t have time to ask him about those peculiar arrivals. I was more so concerned with him. As long as Steve was okay, I would be okay. But now…

I felt the burning of tears well in my eyes and I closed them shut. Shuri couldn’t be gone. There had to be some kind of solution to this. Pulling myself off the floor I sprinted out of her laboratory and out into the hallway. More piles of ashes greeted me. It was if everyone in the palace had up and disappeared. Like they had never been here. My stomach sank and my vision got blurry. Was Steve okay? Had Thanos… I shoved that thought away hurriedly. I couldn’t fathom the idea of Thanos winning. Of Steve being dead. I quickly tapped on the highly technologically advanced watch Shuri had gifted me before the battle commenced, she said at the time it would ensure that we had eyes on our people out on the front lines. That I would be able to keep track of Steve, Natasha, Bucky, and Sam. The people who had become my family over the past couple of years. But the tracker wasn’t working, it was as if the signal was being blocked by something.

Nick Fury gave me an opportunity when SHIELD disbanded at the hands of Hydra infiltrating the intelligence agency. He essentially told me I was on the bench for the Avengers, should Hawkeye or Black Widow ever retire, and the team needed another deadly assassin. I would be up to bat, to help fight along Earth’s mightiest heroes. It felt like something out of a dream, though I just wanted to do my job, make the world a slightly better place. I moved into the Avengers compound in upstate New York and began a more intense form of training. Natasha said she was grooming me, ensuring I knew every move in the book, just in case something happened to her or Clint. Then I’d be prepared to step in, and the amount of intel she filled my brain with was astounding. I didn’t think I was able to remember so many little details at once. But Natasha had drilled into my head how vital this was to the team. She reminded me countless times that just because we weren’t superheroes didn’t mean we weren’t important. I could picture her sly smile as she would glance up at me from her laptop, _“Jo, being the spy on the team means being vigilant. Cap and Thor will take care of the big aliens, but you have to be the one sneaking onto their spacecraft, stealing every piece of information you can get your hands on.”_ She never told me that meant being two steps ahead of everyone else around me, including the team, though I’m sure it was implied.

After Clint retired from the team, I thought it would be time to suit up and join the Avengers. But of course, instead, the Sokovian Accords were put into play. After Natasha disappeared Tony recruited me on a string of extremely private investigations. Though he never vocalized it, I knew he was well aware of all the intel I was carrying. Maybe he thought if Natasha could trust me with everything, so could he. So, he sent me on my way to find Steve and the rest of the gang, and ensure they were safe. That was more important to him than arresting the so-called fugitives. He told me if I found them, I needed to stick with them, Tony needed to be able to contact them in case something horrible happened. I did, and began helping Sam, Steve, Natasha, and Wanda on their missions. Though, I never expected myself to fall for Steve along the way. But sometimes people sneak up on you when you’re least expecting them.

I ran outside of the secure compound without a second thought. One I reached the grassy terrain I looked around, horrified at the scene that awaited me. There were Wakanda warriors strewn about the soft, green grass along with several aliens. Their blue blood stained the ground, singeing the dirt beneath them. I squinted as the sun stung my eyes, it heavily impaired my vision. I could just barely make out the bodies that laid in front of me, the smell of death hung in the air like rotting fruit. I hastily pulled my long brown hair up into a ponytail as the heat started to make my neck slick with sweat. The black stealth suits were fantastic for fighting but made the heat and African sun entirely unbearable. Cautiously, I walked through the field with my hand on my STARK Industry taser knife the entire time. My favorite weapon, though I knew my strength and skill set would be easily overpowered if I encountered any high officer of Thanos’s army. After all I was only an assassin, not a god, super soldier, or gifted like Wanda.

“Jo, Josephine, honey, where are you?!” Came a very familiar voice, my skin prickled with goosebumps. Steve had never sounded like that before. Like he didn’t expect me to be waiting for him back at the palace, like he thought something bad had happened to me. I whipped my head towards the line of trees to my left as I saw a bloody Steve emerge from the shadows. His voice was hoarse and sounded as if he had been crying and the suit he was wearing was torn and covered in dirt.

“Steve!” I cried his name and began sprinting towards him. Steve lifted me into his arms and held me close to his chest. I could smell the blood and sweat that wafted off of his suit, but I didn’t care. He was okay. He was alive.

“What happened?” I asked as I broke away from his embrace, though he gripped my arms tightly. The way his shoulders hung; it was like his entire body was deflated. Popped like a balloon. It took one look. A clear message echoed from his alert blue eyes: something bad had happened. The reasoning behind Shuri turning into a pile of dust.

“Steve!” I pressed, shaking his shoulders as he continued to look past me, staring at something far, far away. “I was talking to Shuri in her laboratory and then suddenly she turned to ash and I—I don’t know what happened. I came out here and, in the hallway, there were other piles of ash.” It took a moment to realize that I was sobbing, my body was shaking, and Steve pulled me back into his strong arms. He was shaking too.

“Jo, Thanos won.” He murmured it into my ear, and I froze. “He did it. With one snap he killed half of our world. Sam, Bucky, T’Challa, Wanda, and Vision are dead.” The bile burned my throat as I pushed it back down. My vision blurred and I could feel the heat pressing onto me, throwing me off balance. It took all of my restraint to keep from fainting.

I broke away from him once more and held his face in my hands, his beard was scratchy against my fingers. How many times was Steve going to lose the ones he loved most? Is there any way to bounce back from this? I had never seen Steve so defeated, the man with the plan. This was the guy who was constantly prepared. If one scenario didn’t work out, he always had another one to back it up. But there was something different now. I looked closely into his blue eyes, searching for the bit of green that twinkled. The light was gone. Steve had been frozen in the ice for seventy years, and this was the very first time his age had shown through the masquerade of the young man. I couldn’t bear to look into his broken gaze, a movement in the trees sent me reaching for my knife. Steve’s hand shot out in front of me and stopped me from whipping out my knife. I had half a mind to swear at him until I saw six more figures broke through the treeline where Steve had greeted me from. Natasha, Bruce, Rhodey, Thor, Okoye and the talking Racoon. I didn’t recognize any of them and it wasn’t because of the mass amount of dirt and blood that coated their clothes and bodies. Our loss was deafening, and it was expertly shown by my friends.

“Hey kid,” Natasha greeted me, her voice was thick and hoarse with tears that continued to trickle down her face. I couldn’t bear to look into her green eyes. How she lost the ferocity I had always associated with her.

“What happens now, Nat?” I whispered, wiping away the tears that lingered on my cheeks. I desperately searched their faces for something, anything that would give us hope. But they looked steadfastly at the earth beneath us. Steve intertwined his hand with my own and kissed my cheek. He never showed public displays of affection in front of the team, especially not during battle. The gesture was enough to tell me he didn’t know.

That night we headed back to the Avengers compound in the countryside of New York. Okoye and her remaining warriors were going to straighten things out in Wakanda. We insisted on staying but she said it would only complicate things. Her people needed time to grieve their losses.

I looked around the abnormally quiet Quinjet, Thor was tucked away in the far corner of the jet. I had never seen him so sullen; it was like he was off on a different planet. Far away from the rest of us, his face reminded me of hard stone. Unbreakable and impossible to read. Natasha flying the jet and Bruce and Rhodey were playing chess across from me, the only sound that echoed the plane were their pieces moving across the chessboard. The talking racoon named Rocket was sitting co-pilot to Natasha and I could only occasionally hear him swear. Not at anyone in particular, just to himself, at our situation. I had never related so hard to a racoon in my entire life. Steve hadn’t stopped holing my hand since we boarded the jet, we also didn’t talk, I was in shock. Though I was thankful he was sitting right next to me, all I could think about was who we had lost today, and if it hurt when they were dusted. Or did it happen too quickly for them to comprehend what was happening to them. As Steve’s calloused thumb gently traced the back of my hand, I remembered the shock on Shuri’s face as she began to disintegrate into dust. Ashes to ashes. Eventually Steve let go of my hand and pulled me onto his lap, holding me so closely it felt like there was no space in between us. Occasionally I would kiss his cheek, but mostly I let my fingers tangle into his hair, not as soft as it usually was due to battle.

When we arrived back to the eerily silent compound everyone disbanded and went to their rooms, besides Steve. It was an easy enough message to catch, even the Avengers needed time to grieve before figuring out what came next. My stomach clenched at the thought of Tony, he had been missing when Thanos’s army started to invade New York. I didn’t know where he was or if he was even alive. It was clear he hadn’t been here, not like I expected Tony to be waiting for us at the compound with dinner on the table. But I’d hoped he would at least have checked in. Unless he turned to dust like our other friends.

Steve and I slowly climbed the stairs of the compound to our bedroom on the second floor. It was evident Tony had designed this floor of the compound for Steve exclusively, with the massive training room and state of the art gym. Even the décor, the walls were painted a lovely navy blue, and everything seemed to have a slight touch of 1940’s vintage. From the old movie posters framed on the walls to the record player that sat on a desk in mine and Steve’s bedroom. The king bed was pushed up against one blue wall and it looked exceptionally tempting at the moment, pillows and comforter all white and fluffy. Practically inviting me to snuggle under and fall asleep, dream and pretend that today didn’t happen. That Thanos didn’t win.

I watched Steve out of the corner of my eye sit down on one of the plush red chairs tucked into the back of the room, nearing the door that lead to our private bathroom. Instead of laying down on the bed I walked over to the record player and looked for something soft and mellow. Something that would bring peace to both Steve and I, maybe not entirely, but music could help ground us. I found a record with Frank Sinatra, and though I knew Steve missed that window of time entirely, he loved Sinatra’s music. He told me once he loved how he could solely associate Frank Sinatra with me and this time period instead of longing for the life he left behind in the 40’s. _Long Ago and Far Away_ began to play softly from the record player and I stepped back.

It was the first time I saw Steve smile in a long time. His blue eyes lit up ever so slightly and it was enough to make me smile too. A gentle reminder to both of us that we lost today, but we didn’t lose each other. Steve strode over to me and pressed his lips against my own, sighing I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him deeper into the kiss. He released my mouth and pressed his forehead against my own, his warm breath fanned over my face.

“I’m going to shower,” I whispered and gently kissed his lips before breaking away from him entirely. I looked at him for a moment before holding out my hand to him, a simple question: will you join me? He smirked ever so slightly and wrapped his fingers around my own as I dragged him into the bathroom.

When was the last time we even had sex? The question bounced around my mind as Steve shut the bathroom door behind us and turned on the shower. I unzipped his uniform and peeled it off of his body, frowning at the purple bruises that blossomed on his pale chest. I examined the cuts that covered his neck and arms as Steve hooked his fingers into the waist of my pants and tugged down. He continued to slowly strip me as the steam from the shower enveloped us, warmed our shivering bodies. Though I doubted we were shaking from the cold of being entirely in the nude.

Steve tipped my head back and peppered kisses down my neck until he got to my collarbone. He wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me tight against his chest. Steve continued to nuzzle the crook of my neck as I once again threaded my hands through his blonde locks. The shower was definitely warm enough for us to get in at this point. The steam fogged up the mirror and made the bathroom humid and warm. But I didn’t want to move out of Steve’s arms, the way he was kissing my neck, face, lips, breasts, was entirely foreign to me. It’s as if I could see into his brain and looped on repeat was, _I could have lost her, I could have lost her._

I pressed a series of kisses leading from his muscular chest, up to his collarbone. Before finally breaking away from the ever-insistent Steve. Because if we didn’t get into the shower, I was certain we’d spend the entire night wrapped up in each other’s arms.

“Jo, I don’t have a plan.” Steve admitted after we had showered.

I turned from my spot on the foot of the bed to face him, lounging behind me shirtless and in a pair of grey sweatpants. The shower had helped rid him of the grime and blood of the day, but the baggage still remained. There was a certain heaviness surrounding Steve now, his blue eyes looked tired and there was a permanent worry line etched into his forehead.

I bit my lip as I secured my wet hair into a braid. “Steve, I think that’s okay if you don’t have a plan. No one knows what to do now. Half of the Earth’s population turned to dust today, a plan is a long way off from now. We need to address who we have left before anything else.” I said, the words felt forced and raw. I hated referring to our team in categories, who was dusted and who remained. The pained look in Steve’s eyes told me he felt the same way.

“I just can’t believe he won,” I whispered, fiddling with the bottom of my T-shirt. “One snap. That’s all it took.” I continued to stare at my fingers and the white scars that lingered on my pale skin. For one moment, I wished I had been one of the people dusted. Wouldn’t the team be better off having someone around who actually had superpowers?

As if sensing my doubt, Steve gently tugged on my waist until I collapsed onto bed. Resting my back against his hard chest as his muscular arms curled around me. There was something about Steve that just by being in his presence, made me feel safe. It felt like this when I first joined him, Natasha, Sam, and Wanda on the run from the U.S. government. Though Tony had known where I was the entire time, I knew he wasn’t going to interfere if I didn’t report back. Maybe his secret mission was actually giving me a favor. A change of pace. A chance to continue training under Natasha.

“I know, sweetheart. Josephine, I love you so much. We lost, the entire world lost so much and yet you’re here in my arms. I can be thankful for that at the very least and we’re,” Steve sighed and cleared his throat. Tears burned my eyes once again, I hated seeing him cry. “We’re going to get this son of a bitch and we’re going to make him pay. I swear to God, Jo, I don’t care what we have to do, we’re bringing everyone back.” His voice was strong as Steve battled with the tears that choked his throat. I smiled grimly, if I knew anything about Steve, he would be damned if we didn’t end up on top.

I wiggled out of his grasp and looped my arms around his neck, bringing his face close to mine. “Do you have a plan Captain?” I asked with a smirk. Steve returned the smile and the light that had been missing returned in those enticing blue eyes. He roughly pressed his lips against my own and flipped me, so I was trapped underneath his body.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and tugged on his hair, smiling at the moan I was able to draw out of him. Steve released my lips one more and locked onto my gaze with a ferocity I hadn’t seen from him in a long time.

“I have the beginning of one, and that’s enough for now.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five years later the Avengers plan to bring back those they lost to Thanos's snap works. But at what cost? Following the events Jo continues to question her static relationship with Steve and hopes the events they just experienced together will bring some change.

*5 years later*

I nervously tapped my fingers on the metal of the time machine. Steve told me it was best that I didn’t join them for the “time heist” as Scott called it. Somebody needed to stay behind in case something went wrong and I had to manually bring them back from the past. But, being able to send them back home at any moment didn’t ease my rocky mind. I could make a mental list of all the things I was worried about, the things that could go wrong. The stakes were astronomically high in true Avengers fashion. Tony said they had one shot to get this right, to gather all of the stones and bring back those we lost five years ago.

Five years. It’s amazing how quickly time flies when you and your friends are still grieving for those we lost while simultaneously trying to move on. But we really weren’t the type to move on. Besides Tony, I suppose he was trying harder than any of us to move on from the snap. After all, in five years he got himself married to Pepper and they had a daughter. What had I accomplished in five years? Natasha and I were working tirelessly to try and gather intel on who we had left, Okoye was able to give some information about Wakanda. But mostly things were unusually quiet, like the world would never recover from the shock of the snap, even the bad guys. Besides that, things were horribly calm around the compound, most of the time Steve and I didn’t even live at the Avengers compound. It was too hard for him. Too hard for us. It felt like a ghost town around here. So, we had our own little apartment in Brooklyn, and we would visit the compound every week.

Sometimes I wondered if Steve and I would ever be able to move on from what happened. He told me that he wanted to get married, but there was always something stopping him. Stopping us, from getting committed like that. It was like our puzzle pieces never quite fit together, it never felt like the right time. So, we continued to put it off, and it felt like the universe needed us more than we needed to get married. The job was always demanding our attention, and I wasn’t ready to give that up yet. Neither was he.

I paced behind the machine and tried to ignore the names that lit up the touch screen. As much as I wanted to tap in on their locations, see if they were okay, I remembered Tony’s careful instructions to me before they left. _Do not touch anything on this machine unless we directly tell you._ One wrong button could send them even further back in time and royally screw up the current timeline we were on. I tried to distract myself, make sure all of the knives in the belt slung around my waist were ready for a fight. That took all of five minutes.

Finally, I heard the time machine whirring back to life as a massive light exploded from the platform above me. My heart thudded in my chest as I first saw Scott and Bruce appear, then Steve and Tony, Thor and Rocket, Rhodey and Nebula popped in after them, and finally Clint showed up. But… my stomach dropped into the pit of my stomach. Where was Natasha? I hurled myself up the metal staircase and wrapped Steve in a tight hug. Slightly delirious, he returned the gesture and pecked me on the forehead. He then looked around, doing a silent headcount of the group, he frowned at Clint.

Clint, who looked like a wreck. He was shuddering and I could see his throat contracting, like he was crying. The tears that streamed down his face, and if Natasha was missing that meant. I choked back the cry that threatened to tear out of me, something bad must have happened to her.

“Clint, where’s Nat?” Steve asked, though his voice was seemingly secure. I could hear the tremor of doubt in it.

Clint clenched his jaw and looked around at the group of people starting at him. His clear eyes locked onto mine and he frowned. My knees were shaking, and nothing could prepare me for the words I knew he was going to say.

“She’s gone, Cap. There had to be a sacrifice for the soul stone, the red guy said a soul for a soul. It should’ve been me, but she insisted, there wasn’t anything---” He trailed off and covered his mouth up with his hand. I sank onto my knees, if I didn’t sit down I would surely faint. The world was spinning, I couldn’t make out Steve’s or Tony’s faces as they stood in front of me. I couldn’t think, all I could focus on was making sure I didn’t pass out, and that Natasha was gone. She was gone and I would never see her again.

“Sweetheart?” Steve whispered so gentle and quiet the tears that continued to sting my eyes cleared ever so slightly. He locked my gaze with those blue eyes, so clear and beautiful like the ocean on the sunniest day. They were filled with tears like my own, and I knew everyone else in the room felt the same way. Natasha had been a constant, and now that constant was gone.

I was thankful to Steve for dragging me out of the crowded room. There were too many people in there, and though we were all grieving for the loss of Natasha. I needed to be alone with Steve, minimize the amount of people I had to interact with at the moment. We walked on the wooden pier looking over the small lake that the compound sat next to. The beautiful day seemed to slap me in the face, the sunlight danced on the beautiful green of the trees, the reflection created a perfect mirror image in the lake.

Steve and I sat down at the very edge of the pier and let our feet dangle over the water. I focused on the pressure of his hand as it rubbed my back. The tears had long left my system, instead there was an encroaching numb that squeezed my chest. I occasionally glanced from the water to Steve’s face, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. All he showed me was the ever-present pain in his blue eyes. He’d lost one of his best friends today, adding another name to the list of people he loved that were now gone.

“I’m sick of Thanos taking people away from us.” I whispered, more to myself than Steve, but he still heard it, and released a sigh before kissing me on the cheek.

“Me too Jo. If this works, at least we’ll bring back. some of what we lost.” He said, voice remaining gentle and still somewhat firm. I nodded in response, we were waiting for Tony and Bruce to finish working on the contraption that would hold the infinity stones. Hopefully it would work. I prayed that the next snap would bring back those we lost five years ago.

“I wish it was enough to bring Natasha back.” I admitted, annoyed with how my throat once again constricted with tears. With the way Clint explained the soul stone, it made it seem like Natasha’s sacrifice was permanent.

Steve clenched his jaw and wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me up against his side. I couldn’t shake the guilt riddled up inside of me. Initially Natasha was going to stay behind and watch the time machine, I was supposed to go with Clint. But she insisted on going instead, she told me that if this worked, we’d have time for more intense training later. If only she’d known later would never come.

“Me too, Jo. I don’t want Natasha to have died in vain. If this doesn’t work, we’re fucked.” He said, anger leaked into his tone as he pulled me to my feet. One shared look between us was enough, we wouldn’t be able to move on if this failed. Steve lightly pressed his lips against my own, a silent communication, he loved me. I kissed him deeply and for a moment I could forget my troubles and the possible end of the world. Of course, these moments never lasted long enough. I looked out at the still water one last time before heading back to the compound, Steve’s hand intertwined with my own. Even if this did work, would it guarantee no more loss?

******* 

In short, the gauntlet Tony had invented worked. Maybe it worked a little too well. The battle that then ensued with the Thanos from 2014 was horrible. The odds were stacked against us, he had a massive alien army to back him up and we had a grand total of nine people who could fight. Then something amazing happened, as we stood on the ashes of the Avengers compound, I watched Steve, someone who despite the resounding cry of our near defeat, still hadn’t lost his ferocity or optimism. But I watched the lone soldier prepare to take on an entire army freeze for one moment, initially I thought it was doubt finally catching up with him. After all we were fucked beyond belief, the smirk on Thanos’s face said it all. I stood back from the fighting and observed, trying to find something in Thanos’s army that I could use. A little chink in the armor, a soft spot to infiltrate. Before I could even find this needle in a haystack a rush of power pulsed against the Earth, knocking me on my knees.

Turning to my left I could see a giant golden portal whirl to life, and something shot out of it. Metal wings soared through the sky and for a second I couldn’t believe my eyes, that was until he spoke.

“Cap, on your left,” Sam shouted as he soared through the portal that was now teeming with life. Dozens more of these golden halos appeared next to me, with people walking out of them. The people we had lost to the snap. My eyes clouded with tears as I took in Bucky and Wanda emerging from the golden light. I snapped my head back to Steve who looked like he was about to cry tears of joy, the smile that spread across is face was unlike anything I had ever seen.

With a battle cry from Steve the fight against Thanos continued and we finally had the advantage. I wish I had the opportunity to watch the action surrounding me, but I was far too focused making sure I didn’t get killed by the aliens attacking me. In one massive game of “keep away” I watched the gauntlet that Tony invented soar through the skies to get to Scott’s ugly brown van. First in Spider-Man’s hands, and then to Captain Marvel’s. At one point even Thanos had it and my heart stopped as I tore through the battlefield of aliens to get up to Steve. But then Tony had it in his hands, and I stopped in shock, watching the immense power of the stones coarse through his body. With one last snap everyone fighting against us began to dissolve into dust, until only Thanos was left standing. But even he began to disintegrate, I found Steve among the empty battlefield and our reunion only lasted the length of one kiss.

Because Tony Stark had died.

I was sick of going to funerals at this point. It was a week after we had our final battle against Thanos. We lost two people. In the eyes of some it was a minor loss, not enough to disband an entire army. But we weren’t soldiers, we were family. In the past week I had lost two mentors, two friends, and two teammates. In the case of Natasha’s small and intimate funeral we didn’t have a body to bury so we built a memorial altar instead. With framed photographs of the infamous assassin, her uniform, and flowers we were able to honor Natasha to the best of our ability. It didn’t feel like enough. I’d never be able to do enough to honor her sacrifice. That fact alone knawed at the empty hole in my chest.

Steve was finishing tying a light blue tie around his neck, topping off the black suit with the slightest bit of color. I looked back into the vanity mirror and observed myself, so much had happened in the last five years, I barely recognized myself. The youngest Avenger as Tony would call me, I was only twenty years old when I went on his top-secret mission to keep an eye on his friends. Now at twenty-five I could clearly mark the seemingly permanent purple eye bags that hung under my golden-brown eyes. My short dark brown hair brushed against my shoulders in slight waves, and the black dress that adorned my body hugged my hips tightly. Certainly, my body didn’t look any different, but I didn’t know the ghost reflected in the mirror in front of me. The light didn’t meet her eyes.

Steve had that same look around him, he looked exhausted. Something had been off about him since he and Tony returned from the time travel mission. It was as if he had saw a ghost. Even now with Bucky and Sam back, I know Steve had barely seen them since we defeated Thanos. He kept saying he would find time, but he was trying to distract himself from something.

“You ready, babe?” I asked, lifting myself off of the chair in front of the vanity. I turned to face Steve who was gazing out the window of our Brooklyn apartment. I didn’t know what he was staring at in all honesty. He was so distant from me these days.

“Yeah, yeah sorry Jo. I’m just…”

“Lost in thought?” I answered for him, grabbing my purse from the coffee table and slinging it onto my shoulder. Steve smiled despite himself and held my hand.

“Something like that yeah.” He pecked me on the lips quickly, but I broke away from his kiss. Steve analyzed my face with a grim frown, as he continued to gently rub my arm. “Jo?”

“What do you want Steve?” I asked, the question had been burning inside of me since Thanos’s snap. I could hear Tony’s words echoing inside of my head, _“Don’t you want to stop the hero bit and settle down? Would that be enough for you, Jo?”_ He had commented on the fact that Steve and I had been dating for five years and we’d made no progress outside of living together. I missed Tony’s raw bluntness and he was right. In a way, I did want to at least settle down with Steve. I wanted to get married, be more than just boyfriend and girlfriend, because our relationship was _more_ than that.

He stopped as he grabbed the apartment keys in his hand and looked at me. The mask that had been so impenetrable shifted for a second and he looked vulnerable. “What do you mean, Jo?” He asked back and I cocked an eyebrow at Steve. He was far smarter than this, he had to have some idea of what I was talking about.

“From this relationship, Steve. Thanos is dead, Natasha and Tony are dead. What are we doing wasting our time when we’ll never know what comes next? What are we waiting for? Tony asked me if I wanted a normal life, to settle down, and while I may not be completely ready to stop yet I know one thing. I want to get married to you or be something more to you than just your girlfriend. Christ, Steve, we’ve been through hell and back together and you mean more to me than just my boyfriend. I don’t need a giant wedding if that’s what you’re scared of, I just, want a bigger commitment. I love you and I want to be more.” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air. I was usually much better at controlling my temper but with everything going on right now, something inside of me shifted. His blue eyes widened in surprise at my outburst and Steve bit down on his lower lip.

I could see the tears glittering like the ocean in his eyes and part of me felt bad for putting him on the spot like this. But I didn’t know how long either of us had. I needed to make the most of my life. Steve walked towards me slowly, he towered over my small frame and I crossed my arms around my chest before he could hold my hands. He opted for cupping my cold cheek with his warm hand.

“I’m sorry Jo about everything. You mean so much more to me than just my girlfriend, I hope you know that, sweetheart. I love you so much, and I want to get married to you. I want to spend my life with you, I really do. Just, so much has happened lately Jo. Give me a little bit more time to get my head and this organization together. Then it’s all you.” Steve told me, his gaze never once leaving my face and a small smile spread across my lips. He was sweet, Steve was always sweet despite being distant. So much had happened to us lately, Steve and I handled things differently, and I knew this.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss. Steve’s arm wound around my waist, pressing me up against him and kissed me harder. It felt like we had been kissing forever when Steve pulled away, and despite his beautiful smile, it didn’t meet his eyes. I sighed heavily and grabbed his hand and squeezed tight. We had a funeral to attend.

Tony’s funeral was small and intimate, despite the fact that Tony was the flashiest person I had ever met. I knew he would had preferred it this way. I stayed in the back of the group, over by Sam and Bucky, allowing Steve to be up by Peter Parker, Pepper, and Tony’s daughter, Morgan. Funerals had always made me uncomfortable, all the people around me crying, it was overwhelming to my senses. Somehow it made me feel trapped.

I glanced over at Sam and Bucky, who stood alarmingly still. They weren’t crying, but they didn’t really know Tony all too well. Most of the interactions between them had been fighting each other. It took me a moment to fully realize this was the second time I had met Bucky Barnes, his light brown hair was still long, it just barely grazed his shoulder, and his bright blue eyes looked bloodshot. Like he never seemed to get enough sleep at night. I stood in between the pair and to my right I could see his metal hand, newly updated by Shuri with the latest Wakanda technology. A short-clipped beard highlighted his cheekbones and pink lips. Bucky was certainly handsome.

The funeral was shortly finished after Pepper pushed a bouquet of flowers, and Tony’s first arc reactor out onto their lake. I released the breath that had been building up inside of me since we arrived at the lake house.

“Hey Jo, how are you doing?” Sam asked with a small smile plastered across his face. Out of the three men, Sam looked like he was doing the best. His warm brown eyes weren’t bloodshot like Bucky’s and unlike Steve he seemed acutely focused in everything happening around him. I smiled and pulled him into a side hug, Bucky continued to stand by the two of us in silence.

“I’m alright Sam, just in major adjustment mode. How about you?” I asked, a forced smile plastered onto my face. I didn’t know why I bothered trying to fool Sam, he could see right through me.

“Good, there’s a lot of catching up to do. Disappearing kinda throws you off. Somebody moved into my apartment while I was dust, so now I have to rent a new one. Then there’s the infinity stones.” Sam trailed off with a slight shrug. I sighed and closed my eyes, I forgot we had to return the infinity stones next.

“Yeah, right, that’s still a thing,” I muttered and out of the corner of my eye I swore I saw Bucky chuckle. But it fell back into a mask of indifference as Steve made his way back to us. He hugged Sam and Bucky and the three chatted like old friends. I was happy Steve was finally getting around to talking to them.

A week later we were back at Tony’s lake house, and Steve was suited up to go back and time to return the infinity stones. I stayed by the control panel with Bruce while Sam and Bucky packaged up the infinity stones, carefully, into metal briefcases.

Bucky faced Steve and his face was grim, his blue eyes continued to look bloodshot. God, did the poor guy get any sleep?

“Steve are you sure you want to return the stones by yourself. Give the word and I’ll suit up and go with you. It doesn’t feel right that you’re doing this alone.” Bucky pressed as Steve picked up the silver briefcase and headed towards me at the control panel.

“No, Buck. I can do this alone, don’t worry about me. Hey, don’t do anything stupid while I’m away.” Steve began with a smirk plastered across his face. He was looking better since Tony’s funeral; the light met his eyes now when he smiled. Bucky rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” Bucky jested back, elbowing Steve lightly in the chest with his elbow. This was maybe the second time I’d seen Bucky smile. Sam looked between the two of them and chuckled.

“So, you’re not going to let any of us go with you? What about Jo, Steve?” Sam asked incredulously, though I could detect teasing in his tone as he gestured to me.

Steve looked at me affectionately and gently pressed his lips against my own. “Do you want to go on a trip back in time, Josephine?” He asked as a smile tugged on the corner of his lips. Blue eyes glinted with mischief and it was my turn to roll my eyes.

“Not particularly, no.” I responded, kissing him one last time. Bruce assured me that Steve would be back in an hour, at the most. I didn’t see any point in coming with him on this simple journey.

“I’ll see you when I get back then. Love you, Jo.” Steve whispered sweetly, he continued to pepper kisses onto my lips and cheeks.

“Love you too, be safe out there Captain.” I said and mock saluted him as Steve ascended the platform of the time machine. He rolled his eyes at me and waved at Bucky and Sam before Bruce powered up the machine. In a blink of an eye Steve was gone.

I muttered something about needing a nap and headed back to my car. Steve said after he got back from returning the stones, he’d have to talk to Sam about something, then he would come home. I didn’t see any point in waiting for him when I was this exhausted.

After I arrived back to Steve and mine’s apartment, I quickly peeled off my clothes and rolled into our fluffy bed. It didn’t take long before sleep completely captured my body.

The shrieking cry of my cell phone ringing woke me up from my slumber. I didn’t know how long I had been asleep but there was no light coming in through the curtains in my bedroom. Had I slept all day? Looking down at my phone I didn’t recognize the Caller ID, which was unsurprising in this field.

“Hello?” I snapped, maybe a bit too angrily into the phone. Rolling out of bed I looked around my bedroom cautiously, it looked like Steve still hadn’t come home. The alarm clock on the bedside table read, 5:00pm on it. He had gone on the infinity stone mission at noon, he should have been back by now.

“Jo, it’s Bucky. Um, I don’t know how to tell you this but, Steve’s gone.” My stomach lurched uncomfortably, and my blood went cold.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying?” My voice sounded high and shrill in my ringing ears. I anxiously paced around the little bedroom, the only sound in the room was my bare feet padding on the wood floors.

“Josephine,” Bucky had never called me by my full name before, the only person who did that was Steve. “He went back in time and stayed there. He’s gone.”

I audibly gasped as the room around me continued to sway in and out of focus. Why would Steve stay back in time? What was there for him that wasn’t here? My stomach continued to drop uncomfortably, and the room spun in circles and circles. Until I crashed hard against the wooden floors, the only thing I could hear before slipping into unconsciousness was Bucky’s concerned voice on the other end of the line.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jo has to deal with the fact that Steve is gone for good. Bucky is able to give her some help and peace of mind, but it'll take a long time before Jo is able to recover from this.

The leather couch was cool on my burning skin. My back hurt like something else and I could feel the bruises beginning to form on my arms. That happens I guess when you collapse onto hardwood floors. I slowly opened my eyes to the dimly lit living room and squeezed them back shut. My head was killing me. There was an ice pack on my forehead. I could feel the condensation dripping from my forehead all the way down to the nape of my neck. I forced my eyes back open for a second, nothing looked out of order in the room itself, books were neatly piled onto the shelf next to the TV, Steve’s favorite rocking chair was to the left of the long leather sofa I was now laying on. Steve. Nothing Bucky said on the phone made sense to me.

“Jo?” Came a deep, male voice to my right. Was it Steve? Had this all been one horrible nightmare? I opened my eyes completely and my stomach dropped, it was Bucky. Looking clearly disheveled, his light brown hair was pulled up into a half bun, some tendrils of hair stuck to his neck. His blue eyes were their usual bloodshot, and I wondered if he was sleep deprived, high, or both. He was wearing blue jeans and a black henley that hugged his bulging biceps and strong chest. Bucky’s indifferent features shifted ever so slightly, he looked guilty or sympathetic. He was nearly impossible to read.

He tried helping me sit up and I swatted his hand away, I didn’t need his help. A little smirk flared up in the corner of his mouth and Bucky folded his hands in his lap. “Bucky, can you please explain to me what the actual fuck happened?” I couldn’t hide the irritation in my voice and Bucky’s smirk widened. At least he thought something about this situation was funny.

“I told you on the phone. Steve went back in time to return the infinity stones and then he stayed there. I don’t know why. When Bruce tried bringing him back nothing happened. Then Sam saw an old man sitting on a bench near the lake, it turned out to be Steve. He told us that he decided to stay back in time, get some of that life Tony told him about. He gave Sam the Captain America shield and left. I doubt we’ll ever see him again.” Bucky explained; with each new piece of information I could feel my head start to spin again. Because everything that came out of Bucky’s mouth was crazy. Even though he looked indifferent, something slipped into his voice, was he mad at Steve?

“He promised me he was going to come back.” I whispered and squeezed my hands together. I wasn’t going to cry in front of Bucky. I looked up into Bucky’s blue eyes and my lower lip started to wobble, it was the first time I’d seen any emotion in his bloodshot eyes. He tentatively started rubbing my back but then decided to stop.

“I know he did, I’m really, really sorry Jo. I don’t understand why he decided to leave.” Bucky trailed off and looked into his lap. I narrowed my eyes, his apology sounded sincere enough. But he has known Steve longer than any of us. He had to know something.

“Bucky, please. If you’re hiding something, please just tell me. He said he was going to marry me for fucks sake Bucky. He left, and I need to understand why.” I said, I had never begged for anything before and it felt pathetic. But I couldn’t control myself, nothing that was happening was rational whatsoever. Steve loved me, but did he, after all he left me here with no explanation.

Bucky looked at me for a moment, and then sighed heavily as he sat down on the couch next to me. He seemed as if he was searching for words, but nothing came up. “Jo, did Steve ever tell you about a woman named Peggy Carter?”

Peggy. Steve had only brought her up to me once. It was a late night and we were doing an undercover mission in Prague. We were talking about old flames, and he brought up a woman he had fallen in love with before he went into the ice. Her name was Peggy Carter and she was an agent in World War II. He had showed me the compass he always had tucked into his uniform; it had an old picture of a beautiful young woman in it. Even after we started dating, he always kept the compass on him, I never had the guts to ask why. Or maybe I didn’t want to hear that Steve was clearly still in love with this woman.

“Why are you bringing up Peggy? Bucky, she died years ago, Steve was at the funeral.” I said, irritation slipped back into my voice. I didn’t mean to be so rude to Bucky, I was tense. It’d been a long two weeks. He didn’t seem to be phased at the bite in my words. Instead he ran his hands through his hair and rubbed his eyes. God, he looked exhausted.

“Do you want some coffee?” I suddenly asked, the urge to correct my rudeness was eating me alive. Also, I felt bad for Bucky. I couldn’t imagine walking a mile in his shoes, experience everything he has had to deal with. He looked up at me, seemingly shocked, a small grin emerged from the stony expression that was always plastered on his face.

“That’d be great Jo, thank you.” He responded and the two of us got up and headed into the kitchen. Bucky sat down on one of the old mismatched kitchen chairs at the table and rubbed his eyes once more. I headed over to the cupboard, pulled out two mugs, and began making the coffee.

“So, why is Peggy relevant now?” I asked again as the coffee began to brew. Opening the fridge, I brought out some coffee creamer and set it down on the counter. Though, Bucky struck me as a guy who drank his coffee black, I needed sugar. Especially tonight. 

“Because that’s why I think Steve stayed back in time. Bruce was saying that Tony told him that one of the stones, the tesseract, ended up being in the 1970’s. Tony and Steve went back to the SHIELD headquarters in the 70’s to get it. Peggy worked at SHIELD during the time, maybe he ran into her and it sparked the old flame. Jo, I’m sorry, but I don’t think he ever lost feelings for her.” Bucky admitted to me; the raw bluntness was something to get reacquainted to. But it reminded me of Tony and Natasha. I was grateful for Bucky’s candor. I poured him his coffee and brought it over to him, with my mug in hand.

I aimlessly stirred the coffee and tried to not feel numb. Too much had happened now, nothing could have prepared me to lose three of the most important to me in the span of two weeks. Especially Steve, I thought after the battle with Thanos I wouldn’t have to ever worry about losing him again. We had won the battle, and after that ordeal, I didn’t think any other villain could amount to Thanos. Steve promised me he was going to marry me, and it had seemed sincere at the time. Maybe he did see Peggy when he returned the stones, and what, I suddenly didn’t matter anymore? A five-year relationship was suddenly irrelevant to him? He had told me I meant more to him than just a girlfriend. That he loved me more than that. But I don’t think I ever amounted to Peggy. Stupid tears prickled my eyes again and I took a gulp of hot coffee. It burned my tongue and throat but at least there was a new reason behind the tears.

“I don’t think he did either. He always carried around that compass, even when we started dating. Steve never brought her up to me except for that one night in Prague. I think it hurt too much. Maybe she’s the reason why we never got married.” I said, my voice sounded distant and strange in my ears. Like it was detached from my body, making me sound far more relaxed with the concept than I actually was. Bucky cocked an eyebrow at me and looked around the kitchen with an unfamiliar expression on his face.

“Maybe it was.” He responded and chugged his coffee. It was silent for a moment and I couldn’t continue to look around the apartment. It hurt too much, all I could see were memories of my life with Steve here. Sunday mornings making breakfast in the kitchen, he would wrap his arms around my waist as I made pancakes. Then he would kiss me, so gently I could barely feel his lips against my neck. Eventually we’d be making out and the only reminder of the pancakes would the burning smell coming from the stove.

I bit the inside of my cheeks and blinked away the burning sensation in my eyes. I was very aware of the fact that Bucky was watching me intently, maybe it was a spy thing. But more likely, he was uncomfortable with the fact that his best friend’s ex-girlfriend looked like she was about to fall apart in the middle of her kitchen. I didn’t blame him if he was. It would make me uncomfortable too.

“Jo,” His voice was oddly soft, even gentle as he finished the rest of his drink. Bucky’s blue eyes bore into mine; I was thankful that his reminded me of the sky. They looked nothing like Steve’s. “What do you want to do next?”

I started to laugh, what else could I do? I didn’t have a fucking clue what to do, my boyfriend up and left me. My closest friend sacrificed herself for the rest of us. Was I supposed to take over for Natasha, what even was there to take over? Am I to believe Steve left me behind to go live out the rest of his life with his first love? That question was easy enough to answer, the proof was right in front of me. It was clear he did. Something inside of him had snapped after seeing Peggy again, and I just needed to accept that. Tony had given us the same advice, to drop the job and finally live out our lives. I guess we interpreted that differently, which isn’t super surprising. Steve and I did have a different way of handling things.

“I don’t fucking know Bucky. All I know, is I can’t live in this apartment anymore. It’s full of him and us. I can’t, it hurts too much,” I muttered into my empty mug, unable to bring myself to look into his sympathetic eyes. Where the hell was I supposed to live now? It’s not like I could got to the Avengers compound, it was burnt to ashes when Thanos’s army invaded Earth. Not like I would want to live there anyways; it was another place filled with painful memories.

“I understand Jo, um, would you want to move in with me and Sam?” Bucky asked awkwardly, he avoided looking into my eyes. What a pair we were. It was as if neither of us had ever had a conversation before. But his offer surprised me, even made me smile. Which was a first.

“I thought you and Sam hated each other?” I asked, laughter in my voice. Steve would always talk about how getting Bucky and Sam to get along was like pulling teeth. Bucky chuckled at this comment and shrugged.

“We did, but after we got back from being dusted, he asked me to move in with him. I think he was mostly just scared I would go off the rails if I lived alone. We’re a perfectly fucked up household, you’ll fit right in Jo.” He laughed again as he grabbed our mugs and rinsed them out in the kitchen sink. His offer continued to churn over and over in my head, and I guess at some point I would have to move out and live on my own. Then there was this apartment, I’d have to move out and rent it to someone else. Lots of logistics for wanting to escape my emotional baggage. But the very thought of sleeping in Steve and mine’s bed… it was unfathomable. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“You’re probably right. Do you guys even have room for another person? I know how stingy New York apartments are.” The last thing I wanted to do was inconvenience them. If Natasha was still alive maybe I’d move in with her. I winced, I lost too much at once. The thought of her burned my chest.

Bucky came around the kitchen table and rested his hand on my shoulder, no longer tentative about touching me. His sky-blue eyes were sincere enough, less bloodshot after the coffee, though he still looked exhausted. “Jo, we have room for you, don’t worry about it. You and I both know that living in this apartment is not an option for you. I don’t blame you, and I honestly think it’s best the three of us live together. We have a lot of shit to sort through.” His voice was somehow able to be gentle and blunt simultaneously. I know the shit he was talking about was the Avengers and our fucked-up lives. I knew it would be best for my mental health to live with other people.

“Fine, okay. I’ll move in. Should I pack a bag or something then?” I asked, biting my lip nervously. I wasn’t going to pack up all my crap tonight. It would probably be easier to just abandon ship altogether; the apartment was in Steve’s name after all.

“Not tonight, we can come back tomorrow and get your things together.” Bucky told me; I must have looked horrible. I looked down at the ratty T-shirt and gym shorts that I was wearing, not like I had anyone to impress. Sighing I picked myself up from the table, once again refusing Bucky’s helping hand. It was easier to be mean than give off how badly my heart hurt, how tight my chest felt. God, I hoped they wouldn’t be able to hear me crying through the walls.

I slipped on a pair of running shoes, grabbed my purse, key, and phone then turned off all of the lights in the apartment. As Bucky and I walked out into the hallway I didn’t even bother looking behind me as I shut the door. I could envision Steve sitting in his rocking chair, newspaper in hand, as the TV hummed in the background. It hurt too much, and I let the tears stream down my face for a moment. As long as Bucky continued to lead me down the street, towards his apartment building, I could allow myself to silently cry.

Time wasn’t a concept to me right now. I tuned out my surroundings as Bucky lead me up a staircase, then opened the door to his apartment with Sam. It was clear they had just moved in; the simple furniture had no personal touches. It was a scene of grey, white, and blue. Behind the living room was a hallway with four doors. Three bedrooms and one bathroom. To the right of the living room was a small little kitchen, your average New York apartment. Though I was sure it cost a fortune, or maybe Nick Fury was paying for it.

Bucky ushered me into the room on the far right, again it was as plain as the rest of the apartment, a full-size bed was pushed up against a light blue wall with a white, dingy nightstand next to it. Across from the bed sat a dresser and a little closet was kitty corner to the bed. Home sweet home, I guess.

“Let me know if you need anything, Jo. We’re here for you. You’re not a burden.” Bucky said, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot in the doorway. I smiled despite myself, I appreciated his kindness.

“Thanks Bucky.” I murmured as he gently shut the door behind him. I could hear the soft murmur of the TV in the living room, and I could only assume Bucky wouldn’t be going to sleep anytime soon.

I sat down on the bed and bounced up and down for a moment. I thought of Steve’s last words to me before he left to return the stones, _“I’ll see you when I get back then. Love you, Jo.”_ Grabbing one of the pillows perched on top of the mattress I chucked it hard at the wall. Angry tears burned as they streamed down my cheeks, I was shaking and bit hard on my lower lip to hold in the loud cry that threatened to escape my mouth. Bullshit, Steve. Bullshit. I sank into the mattress and buried my face in the one pillow that remained on the bed, letting it muffle the sobbing that now raked through my body. I wanted Natasha, I wanted to be able to ask her for advice, ask her anything. She always knew what to do. She always knew how to help me out of a tough spot.

Gripping my cell phone, I pulled up her phone number and dialed. I sat up quickly, letting the dull ring echo in my ears until her voicemail startled me. _“Hi, it’s Natasha, I’m not available right now. Leave a message and I’ll try to call you back.”_ My face fell into my hands as I dropped the cell phone on the bed, hearing her voice ignited the throbbing pain inside of my chest that refused to subside.

For the first time, I felt utterly alone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A long, grueling conversation with Bucky heps Jo get acclimated to her new life living with Sam and Bucky. She even starts to think about the little positives of her new life, how she gets to be part of a new team of heroes and gets to make new connections to those around her.

I woke up clutching my now damp pillow. In an attempt to shake off my nightmare I gingerly sat up and tried turning on my phone. _Fuck_. It was dead and I had left my charger in my apartment. I had little to no desire to go back there in the middle of the night. I didn’t want to go back to my apartment in general, and certainly not alone. My phone would just have to stay dead until I went back in the morning to pack up my things with Bucky. I brushed my sweaty hair off of the nape of my neck and swept it up into a ponytail. Showering would also have to wait until I went back to my apartment tomorrow. I had lived with boys before and knew that their bathroom supplies were minimal at the very least.

The muffled noise coming from the living room jostled me out of my disoriented state. I cautiously reached for the bedside table when I realized I had left my weapons at home. I didn’t expect Sam or Bucky to have put a knife or gun in their spare bedroom. Especially when they had just moved in this past week. I made a mental list of self defense moves I could use and prayed that my intense spy training with Natasha would kick in if we had an intruder. I slipped out of bed as quietly as physically possible, the old floorboards creaked ever so slightly as I moved across them towards the door. Counting to three in my head, I flung the door open and assumed a defensive position.

The only thing in the living room was the flickering TV in the darkened room and a sleeping Bucky, snoring softly as he sprawled out across the old sofa. I giggled under my breath as I took in his sleeping frame, how his half bun had all but fallen out, and now tendrils of hair stuck to his face and beard. God he even looked exhausted while he was sleeping. I looked over at the clock on the stove, it read 3 AM. I wondered if Bucky had recently fallen asleep, and how many hours he got per night. I continued to tread lightly as I made my way over to the living room and sat across the couch from the sleeping Bucky.

Glancing at the TV, I noticed he was in the middle of the early morning infomercial craze. The woman on the screen was talking about the spectacular benefits of some vacuum cleaner and Bucky’s slumber made so much sense to me now. I had barely been watching this commercial for five minutes and I was already dozing off. Trying to find something good to watch at three in the morning was like searching for a needle in an overwhelming haystack. Eventually something on _The Classic Movie Channel_ caught my eye, _My Fair Lady_. One of my all-time favorites.

A massive smile spread across my face as I noticed the movie was just beginning. I grabbed a blanket that was sloppily slung across the couch and wrapped it around my shivering body. As Eliza became tucked under the wing of the ever-rude Henry Higgins, I found myself continuing to tune out of reality and into the action occurring on screen. Bucky jostling his way out of sleep was the only thing that tore my attention away from the movie. Probably because it was terrifying. He gasped loudly as his metal hand shot out and hit the coffee table in front of us with a metallic clang. His blue eyes opened quickly and searched around the room, he looked so confused, as if he had never been in the living room before. Like this was the first time. I couldn’t offer him any help, I just watched as I became immobilized with concern. Something that could easily get me killed if it happened in battle. But eventually the wild look of terror faded from Bucky’s eyes, and he cocked an eyebrow in me at surprise.

“What are you doing up?” He asked, voice gravelly and deep from sleep. I could feel the low pitch vibrating in my stomach, shuddering I brought the blanket tighter around my body. I regarded his once again tired face and shrugged.

“Couldn’t sleep, I needed a distraction.” I said and nodded towards the TV; the infamous Rain in Spain scene had just begun. Eliza’s loud, “I CAN’T” seemed to startle Bucky even further. He narrowed his eyes at the TV and shot me a confused look.

“What the hell are you watching?” Bucky asked, though now he seemed more interested in what was going on in the movie. I froze for a moment and watched the song “Rain in Spain” explode on the screen. Bucky cracked a soft smile and looked at me once more, expectant for an answer.

“You’ve never seen this movie before? Bucky, it’s a classic. _My Fair Lady_. You’ve never seen _My Fair Lady_?” I asked incredulously but watching his face fall I realized the stupidity of my words. Of course, Bucky had never seen _My Fair Lady_ before. He probably hasn’t seen _The Sound of Music_ or _A Streetcar Named Desire_. From the moment Bucky fell off the train in 1945 to last week he was preoccupied. Either being brainwashed by Hydra to be a dangerous assassin. Or being frozen for a year by Wakandan technology because of PTSD from the Hydra brainwashing. Bucky didn’t exactly have time in his schedule to watch silly movies. Unlike Steve, Bucky never got that luxury.

“I’m sorry Bucky.” I whispered, the words fell off of my lips and Bucky’s eyes flickered from the TV screen to my own. He didn’t look too offended. Instead, the same surprised look from earlier took over his features.

“No one’s ever apologized to me before for what happened. I missed so much, and now that I actually have time to catch up. I don’t want to. Maybe because it means I have to move on and accept how shitty my life has been for the past seventy years. I’m not ready for that yet.” Bucky confessed; his gaze was steadfastly fixated on the movie. I bit my lip and rolled the soft fleece of the blanket in between my fingers. I couldn’t imagine all the horrors Bucky has been forced to face.

I tentatively reached out across the couch and gripped his cold, metal hand. Though he didn’t look at me, his eyebrows raised in surprise. I swore I saw the smallest smile appear on his face but maybe that was because Eliza had started crooning, “I Could Have Danced All Night.”

“Well the wonderful thing about having time is that you get to choose how you spend it. You don’t have to catch up on the pop-culture stuff you missed if you don’t want to. Though if you ever need movie recommendations, I’m sure Sam and I could give you a giant laundry list to watch.” I said, my voice barely hovered above a whisper. Bucky seemed so wrapped up in the movie, I didn’t want to interrupt him.

“It’s weird having time. People have always decided what to do with my time. I’ve never had a choice until recently.” Bucky muttered, he glanced back at me. At my hand, fingers still wrapped around his. The metal was warmer now from my touch. There was something unfamiliar about Bucky’s expression and it irritated me to no end. I had always been good about reading facial expressions, it came with being a spy and all. But Bucky’s was clear and impossible to read. Like the ocean. 

“Well, do you have any idea about what you want to do. It doesn’t have to be big or a full-fledged plan. But something. Anything?” I asked, I couldn’t help my curiosity. There must be something he wanted to do; I couldn’t accept the fact that maybe Bucky just wanted to enjoy existing. Live his life without being brainwashed. Actually experience everything firsthand.

Bucky chuckled at my question, and it was almost as if I could see his thought process. He ran the hand that wasn’t intertwined with my own through his hair and sighed. “That’s the thing though, Jo. I don’t know how to separate what I have to do for us, for the remaining Avengers type people and what I have to do for myself. I’d like to travel and actually see the world. I did when Hydra brainwashed me. But I don’t remember any of it. Shuri helped get rid of so many of those memories and it’s easier not having them. Jo, I have so many missing memories, holes in my mind, I want to cling to the past so badly, but I can’t let myself. I don’t want to be like…”

“You mean you don’t want to be like Steve?” I interjected and raised my eyebrows. Finding the fleece blanket wrapped around my waist interesting. I couldn’t meet Bucky’s gaze. The mention of Steve was like a sucker punch to the chest. Even if what Bucky was saying was true. Because it was. Steve clung to the past desperately. He couldn’t let go of what he loss, despite his best efforts.

“I’m sorry.” He sounded sincere. I didn’t know Bucky well, but he was blunt enough for me to know that he wouldn’t lie to me. He didn’t seem to have an issue with being painfully honest. I respected that about him. I avoided those sky-blue eyes and glanced at the TV for a moment.

“Bucky, you don’t have to apologize to me. I think it’s a good thing that you’re not clinging to your past. You’re right though, Steve was guilty of doing that. Moving on is a good thing to do it’s just… not easy. It’s stupidly hard to move on and I wish it was easier.” I confessed, even letting my pent-up irritation slip into my voice. Bucky was very easy to talk to; he had a calming presence that made me open up without a second thought. He reminded me of Natasha in that way.

His metal hand squeezed my own tightly for a moment. “It’ll take time Jo. I mean you’ve lost a lot. It’s not a race. We all handle things at our own pace.” Bucky said, I was positive he wasn’t just speaking for me. He was probably trying to reassure himself of the fact too.

“I know, it’s crazy how in the span of one week my entire life changed. I don’t even know how to get over what happened. But, thank you, Bucky. What you’re doing for me is really nice.” I moved away from the heavy subject of our loss for a moment. There was plenty of time to deal with that baggage. Despite the fact that I had no desire to confront the blindingly painful hole in my chest. A Steve and Natasha sized hole.

“I think now we all need each other more than before. I mean, Sam and I weren’t around for the past five years. But look at the shit we have to clean up now. It’s never ending.” Bucky muttered and that indistinguishable veil came over his eyes. Like he was trying to grasp onto reality. What even was reality to Bucky? Someone who has experienced an incomparable range of experiences. Did he even have a concept of normal to grasp onto?

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It gives us something to do, a purpose. Better than nothing, I guess. Do you agree with what Tony said?” I piped up, once again disregarding the little siren in my head that screamed, I was revealing too much. If I couldn’t trust my own team, whatever remained, than I couldn’t do this job.

“What’d he tell you?” Bucky asked, his eyes trailing back from the screen. We watched Freddie wander down the street Eliza lived on, singing a lovesick song. Bucky’s stone expression cracked once more, and he smiled.

“He asked me if I wanted to play the hero for the rest of my life. He asked me if settling down would be enough. Would it satisfy me. I thought I was ready to give up this life. I thought after Thanos it would be easy to do. Maybe I don’t want that though, and I guess Steve did, just not with me,” I paused for a moment and grimaced. Bucky’s eyes bored into my own, God he really was a great listener. “But we’ve always had different ways of handling things, Steve and I. I think he’s been ready to leave this job for a while now and I’ve just begun. But I think Tony wants all of us to eventually pass this hero thing on. So that we get to live our lives. Do you want that?”

There was a brief moment of silence and we locked eyes, and I didn’t dare to drop my gaze first. I saw a flash of uncertainty wash over Bucky’s blue eyes and then it disappeared completely. “I do, at some point. I’ve never gotten to live my life for me. If I never start trying to do that, I don’t think it’ll ever happen. But, I can’t right now. The world just lost its best heroes. It’s our job to take their place, or at least do our best to.” He mumbled, reclining back on the couch as he closed his eyes. I felt bad for waking him up, and for dragging him into such a heavy conversation so early in the morning.

“You’re right.” I said, so quietly I wasn’t sure Bucky heard me as he dozed off once more. His snoring echoed in the quiet living room. He looked so much younger when he slept, the worry lines all but disappeared from his tired face. Long eyelashes brushed against his cheeks, and his pink lips were parted open ever so slightly. I watched him for a moment, and then slowly unwrapped myself from the fleece blanket and stood up. I draped it over Bucky’s sleeping frame, still wearing the clothes he was dressed in earlier.

Grabbing the remote from the coffee table I turned off the TV altogether and looked around the living room as dawn began to peep through the curtains. Sunlight made the apartment look more like a home, and the old grey couch certainly had character. I rubbed my arms and released a long breath, it sucked the life out of me once more. I couldn't deny how good it felt to talk to Bucky, I could sincerely see myself becoming friends with him down the road. Or maybe we were already on the path to friendship. I chided the pessimist in me that whispered that even if I was able to forge stronger relationships with Sam and Bucky, they wouldn't replace what I loss. It wasn't fair to even hypothetically put them in that position. Bucky couldn't replace Steve because he _wasn't_ Steve, and that's why I liked him so much. Steve, though rarely would ever lie to me, did tend to sugarcoat things more than Bucky. Maybe because Steve was an optimistic person, he sincerely saw the positive side of almost every situation. I think the world has been too cruel to Bucky for him to have that kind of unrelenting optimism. But, then again, I haven't been beaten up or treated as horribly as Bucky, and I was till pessimistic. Not that I wanted to dwell on the negatives, but if you always expected the worst outcome, nothing could hurt you. I guess that was my mistake with Steve, I had expected too much from him. I never saw a bad outcome with our relationship because it was always so good. Yes, we would fight, but when you're constantly doing undercover missions you're bound to argue over the fact that your partner keeps putting themselves in scary situations. We were terrified of losing each other. I guess that didn't matter much to him when he left me. 

I shook the horrible thoughts from my head and shifted from foot to foot. This would be a good thing. This _will_ be a good thing. Besides fixing our plethora of emotional damage, we'd be able to create a brand new team of heroes. Sam was the new Captain America after all. It would be fine. I couldn't help but try to think as positively as I could. How would the world cope if no one was equipped to protect them? With Thor and Captain Marvel off in Space, we were short on heroes. That responsibility fell on Sam, Bucky, and I. Bucky clearly already accepted the responsibility of the inevitable job at hand. It was time I did so too. I looked over at Bucky dead asleep on the couch and thought about his unused bedroom down the hall. Maybe this would be good for him too. I hoped he would feel good enough to sleep in his bedroom again, no longer needing boring infomercials about vacuum cleaners to put him to sleep. We'll have to take it one step at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day after all and Bucky needed time to adjust. We all needed time to adjust.

I yawned and stretched my sore muscles and shuffled off to my bedroom, sleep began to pull at my exhausted body. I was already half asleep before I hit my pillow, thoughts of my new life teemed around my head. Maybe living with Bucky and Sam wouldn’t be too bad. It would feel good to have people to trust again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning, Sam fills Bucky and Jo in on all of their game plan moving forward. Being the new defenders of Earth it was time for the team to start assuming some responsibility. But before saving the world, Jo has to conquer the last bit of her past that remains: moving out of her and Steve's apartment. Bucky becomes her saving grace and Jo begins to see him in a new light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a hot minute to write, it's been a busy week!

I woke up to the strong scent of coffee wafting into my room from the kitchen. Stretching, I looked around the lightened bedroom in confusion. The walls were painted a chipped pastel blue and completely bare, white lace curtains hung over the small window to the left of the bed. I fingered the soft, white duvet with my fingers and released a sigh. I’d have to find some way to make this bedroom less depressing, maybe it would distract me from the shit that was my life. For a moment, I let myself reflect on Saturday mornings curled up with Steve in our bed, the mattress was soft, too soft for him. But it wasn’t springy like the bed I was currently lying on. Steve stated that he thought our bed felt like a marshmallow, but he didn’t care, because he knew how much I like to sink into the mattress. Especially when we would tumble into bed together after a long day…

My eyes flew open and I disregarded the painful memories that plagued my mind. I picked my phone off of the little white nightstand just to remember it was dead. _Fuck_. Maybe Sam or Bucky had a charger I could borrow. I rolled out of bed and left my phone lying on the nightstand as I opened the door with a creak.

“Good morning Sleeping Beauty.” Sam chuckled as I padded to the kitchen. Bucky was sitting on one of the mismatched kitchen chairs with a cup of coffee in hand. His wet hair was gathered in a half bun and his blue eyes burned me with their exhaustion. Sam, on the other hand, seemed to be the most chipper out of all of us. He seemed to be frying an egg in a little pan, and on the counter sat out three plates. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate, and my stomach gurgled with hunger.

“Ha ha, so funny. Morning, guys.” I said, pouring some coffee into one of the mugs Sam had left out on the counter next to the kitchen sink. Out of the corner of my eye I could feel Bucky’s gaze on me, and I sheepishly thought about the heart to heart we had the night before.

Bucky didn’t say anything to me however as I pulled up a chair to the kitchen table and drank my coffee. Hoping the caffeine would jostle me out of my disoriented state. It certainly wasn’t the first time I had slept outside of my apartment, but so much had happened the day prior, I thought my body was in shock. I told myself I’d have to go back eventually, I couldn’t have a dead phone forever, and after all, I had to move out my stuff. I groaned into my coffee at the very thought of that, causing Bucky to look at me with a cocked eyebrow.

The smell of breakfast made my mouth water, and my eyes followed Sam as he walked over to the kitchen table with three plates in his hand. Each one containing a beautifully made fried egg on toast. Sam had just barely set the plate in front of me before I devoured the food, throwing all table manners to the wind. Thankfully, Sam and Bucky seemed too wrapped up in their own breakfast to notice, not like I would’ve cared if they saw me shove an entire sandwich in my mouth.

Eventually we were silently sitting around the table drinking our coffee, waiting for whoever wanted to take the initiative to speak first. To assume the responsibility of being the leader. The sound of the news carried softly into the kitchen and I could hear some news reporter commenting on the aftermath of the blip, people like me who had survived Thanos’s initial snap had aged five years unlike those who disappeared. This didn’t really have much affect on me, I was still the youngest member on the team besides Peter Parker, who was sixteen. But for kids in school, this complicated things. Children in high school who had been fifteen when the initial snap occurred were now twenty and graduated, even though their classmates still remained in school. I tightened my ponytail and groaned into my coffee; this would be one giant fucking mess to clean up.

“So, I think we need to address the giant ass elephant in the room. After we defeated Thanos, the original Avengers literally all disappeared. Bruce or I guess the Hulk is retired and I think it’s best we keep it that way. Thor is in space for fucks sake, and Hawkeye… I don’t think he has any desire to jump back into the field. That leaves us, the kid in Queens, and Doctor Strange.” Sam began, he rubbed his hands together and looked from myself to Bucky. A small smile crossed my face, it was fitting that the new Captain America was taking leadership. Though, I doubted Bucky wanted to lead this new troupe of Avengers, and I surely wasn’t qualified enough. Besides, I was comfortable being a spy.

“What now, Sam? Do we build a new facility, would the Avengers tower even be available for us to use? Also, we have no intel, we know absolutely nothing. Even, Nick Fury, the man who supposedly knows everything doesn’t have a single fucking clue what to do now.” Bucky said, his tone wavered ever so slightly, and I could see the calm in his sky-blue eyes shift to worry. I averted my gaze, focusing on the utter blackness that was my coffee. Part of me wished I could be absorbed into a black hole. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.

Sam rubbed the stubble on his face and sighed wearily into his hands. “Fury’s working on getting intelligence, it’s going to be slow moving from here. I’ll talk to Pepper about the tower, I think it would be smart if we moved in there, have a base location. It would be easier for people to get ahold of us, especially if someone with superpowers were to want to join the team.” He explained, gaining confidence the more he spoke, and I was glad. One of us had to be optimistic about the “what now” situation. Bucky locked onto my uneasy gaze and shrugged his shoulders as he took a sip of his coffee. Seemingly saying: _Just follow whatever Sam has planned, he probably knows the most anyways._

“Sam, what about Wanda and T’Challa? What are they doing right now? Do we at least know what the hell these people are up to in case we need help? Literally none of us have superpowers, we have the new Captain America, a super soldier, and a spy for fucks sake. We aren’t equipped for a Thanos level threat.” I asked incredulously, my anxiety getting the better of me. I trusted Sam. But what about everyone else? Were the rest of our supposed team going to leave us high and dry if we needed them? The pestering voice inside my head answered that question quickly. I didn’t like its answer.

Sam’s stare bored into my own, honey brown eyes that easily lit up with laughter were now dim. They were serious and calculating. Bucky looked back and forth from me to Sam and scratched his beard. “Wanda’s helping me out with something right now. I’m in contact with Wakandan forces if we need them. But, Jo, they’re an ocean away and can’t really help us if we need them. I’m not going to lie when I say we’re most likely fucked if there’s another Thanos level threat in the next year. Dr. Strange and his team would most likely help us, but they have their own issues.”

His answer was good enough for now, and I liked how he wasn’t trying to shit me. Though, I’ve known him long enough to know he’d never bullshit me. He always told me straight. “Speaking of Wanda that’s what I wanted to bring up. Our new or I guess not so new baddies. Do you remember how we _thought_ we dismantled all of Hydra?” Sam barely waited for Bucky and I to nod curtly before moving on.

“Well, they’ve seen footage of Peter in action along with Captain Marvel and they want to harness that power. Whatever scientists that remain are working on new experiments. They’re trying to create “gifted” people like Wanda. We’re at our weakest right now and they damn well know it. If they can get this to work again. To create a whole team of new superheroes to fight for _them._ We would be fucked. They would win.” Sam concluded bluntly, he gripped his hands tightly together and looked at Bucky and I. Something awakened in Sam’s face, he looked more alive, because, well we had a purpose now. We had to take down Hydra a second time. My stomach dropped with excitement; I was ready to get back to work. Move on from this hell. What better way than with an assignment?

I smirked and chugged the rest of my coffee, it was lukewarm as it washed down my throat. “Well, Nat always said the best way to bond as a team is to take on a mission together. Where do we start?” Sam grinned at my response and even Bucky cocked a smile. I could tell we were all waiting for something to give us meaning again. I felt empty and alone, if work couldn’t fill the void, then nothing could.

“I am going to go and talk to Pepper today about the Avengers tower. Then, met up with Fury and Maria Hill, see if they know anything we can use. Wanda should be getting back to us soon about the location of those scientists. But we need to start training right away. I think we’re all out of practice and need to work on being familiar with each other. We’re all we have now. We have to have each other’s backs. I’ll be back in time for dinner to fill you guys in on the intel, Jo, you’ll know what to do once I get some files.” Sam explained as he got up to return the plates and empty mugs to the kitchen sink. We’d have to get those done later. Being a superhero left little time for household chores. Sam waved at Bucky and I as he strode through the living room and out the front door.

“You know we have something to get done before Sam gets back, right?” Bucky asked pointedly and though I hoped he meant the dishes. I knew I needed to pack up my apartment, the thought loomed in the back of my mind like a nightmare. Bucky’s bloodshot gaze was soft as he rubbed my shoulder.

“I know, I know. I don’t want to.” I whispered, avoiding his gaze entirely. I couldn’t bear to see his pitying blue eyes. I didn’t need that right now. Bucky’s normal hand remained on my shoulder and he continued to trace circles onto my shoulder.

“It’s a good first step Jo. The first step is the hardest, it’ll get easier after you do this, I promise.” He reassured me, his voice barely hovered above a whisper and I continued to stare steadfastly out the window at the green trees that loomed outside. I hated how right Bucky was. I didn’t want to face my old life with Steve, I didn’t want to bring myself so much pain.

Bucky’s wooden chair scraped against the hardwood floors, he had stopped tracing my shoulder, and was now shaking it gently. Signaling me it was time to go. I huffed and pushed myself away from the table and his touch. It was bad enough I could feel his concerned stare on my back, I didn’t need him to help me up from my chair. I didn’t want to accept his help. I strode across the room quickly and flung open the apartment door, not bothering to check if Bucky was behind me as I descended down the stairs and out of the door of the apartment complex.

The warm sunshine of a summer in Brooklyn greeted me and I couldn’t bring myself to smile at its buttery light. Memories flicked through my brain like a slideshow of how Steve and I spent the last five years. The streets were mostly empty with many boarded-up shops up and down the street, but we had each other, and at that moment it was enough. He would hold my hand and we walk on the sidewalk together, taking in the eerie quiet of the usually bustling city in the mid-afternoon. Even now if I closed my eyes, I could feel the warm pressure of his hand in my own, calloused fingers intertwined with mine. He’d always tease me about my bony fingers, those little piano hands, he’d call them. As I rushed down the now busy streets with Bucky tailing behind me, I could see the way the sunlight reflected off of Steve’s blonde hair, making it look like a bright beacon. Oh, and those blue eyes pulled me in like the ocean on its warmest days. Soft greens and blues mixed together to create the most heavenly shade that was always enough to make my heart stutter. Now I just felt empty despite the warmth shrouding me.

I arrived at the little brownstone apartment and huffed a big sigh. The rich green vines climbed up the redbrick and weaved a little archway above the door. I dug through my pocket and pulled out the little gold key and unlocked the rusty door, using my shoulder I pried open the sticky door. My shoes clanged against the metal staircase leading up to Steve and mine’s apartment, I couldn’t bring myself to slow down as I got to my level and continue to speed walk down the stuffy little hallway. A choking sound wormed its way out of my mouth as I reached the black door, this was it, apartment 2E. I told myself it wouldn’t look much different than how I left it yesterday, no dishes were in the sink, and my favorite blanket was balled up in a corner on the leather couch. The paper would be lying open on Steve’s rocking chair, opened up to the page he was reading before we went to Tony’s lake house so he could return the infinity stones. Bile burned my throat at the very thought. It had only been a day. Bucky’s tentative hand was back on my shoulder, he didn’t rub it or anything like that, he just held me. It helped, I guess. I felt more grounded than I had felt when we first approached the door.

I swallowed my retributions and stuck the key in the lock and turned. Hearing the all too familiar click I swung the door opened and sucked in a giant breath. I hated how the room didn’t look different, it wasn’t the ghost town I had so desperately wished for. It would be easier that way. But the place didn’t look abandoned, the sunlight continued to stream through the windows in the living room, casting light on the TV set in the corner of the room, and the couch and rocking chair that sat across from it. Bucky moved past me into the room, it was a sign, I needed to get myself beyond the doorframe. I couldn’t bear to look at the framed photo of Steve and I sitting atop the bookshelf sitting next to the window in the living room. Stupid, dumb tears prickled my eyes and I blinked hurriedly. I’d be damned if I cried in front of Bucky.

Eventually I forced myself into the apartment, one foot at a time. I only really needed to gather up my clothes, weapons, and toiletries. I could put the last rent check into an envelope with the key and a note explaining my situation under my super’s door. I had just recently stressed cleaned the apartment anyways, so at least it was in decent condition. At this point I didn’t care about the means, I just needed to get out of here.

Bucky looked around the living room for a moment, like he was trying to visualize a domestic Steve living here. Even I had to chuckle at the very thought. It was rare that our kitchen table was clear. We always had files and papers strewn about, never able to relax until late at night, the job was always more important. A stinging pain in my chest continued to throb, the little voice in my head whispered that maybe the job is what separated us in the first place. But I couldn’t think about that. I don’t think I would ever understand why he left. It didn’t matter anyways. I couldn’t change the past by understanding his motives.

I waved Bucky into the bedroom and counted to ten in my head. I knew this would be the hardest room to clean out. Because there was so much of Steve in the room. I gazed around the bedroom and swallowed the massive lump in my throat. The walls were a light sage green and even in this agitated state they calmed me. I gazed longingly at the nice, fluffy bed sitting in front of Bucky and me. All I wanted was to collapse into the soft grey comforter and fall asleep, I wanted to bury my face into Steve’s pillow and inhale his scent. Laundry soap and an earthy musk. I knew for a fact that the bed still smelled like him, it probably would for a while. My gaze fell on the other picture of Steve and I, placed on one of the bedside tables. We had taken that picture when we first had started dating, Natasha had convinced us to go on a real date when we were still undercover. She didn’t give a single rats ass that we could get caught, she wanted to give us some sense of normality. We had gotten ready for dinner in our cramped little hotel room in Prague, in the picture my hair was still long, hanging past my shoulders in soft chestnut waves. My large smile lit up my eyes, making my brown eyes seem more golden. I was wearing one of Natasha’s dresses, when Tony had sent me to check in on the group, I hadn’t thought to pack anything nice. Why would I? We were on a mission. I remembered how Natasha’s red dress hugged every curve of my body, showing off the length of my long legs. Steve’s mouth had dropped open when he saw me dressed for our first date. He’d never seen me out of my stealth gear, a gorgeous red dress was far different than black spandex. His eyes were a sparkling blue, his blonde hair was a little darker, even a light brown, it matched the color of his beard. But he looked happy, we were happy. What a different time that was.

Bucky caught my gaze for one moment, and the difference of color in his eyes was startling. Such bright blue eyes compared to Steve’s ocean ones. “Jo, where do you want to start?’ Bucky asked gently, he motioned around the neat bedroom and I released the breath that tightened my chest.

“Um, there should be suitcases under the bed. If you could just go into the closet and pack up everything on my side that would be great. I’ll get together my weapons.” My voice sounded foreign in my ears, all choked up and soft. It took every ounce of my energy to hold back the sobbing. Bucky nodded and silently moved across the room and pulled open the little closet in the nook of the bedroom.

While he did that I strode to the opposite side of the room and opened up the chestnut wardrobe that held my weapons. I picked my way through the shelf, using an intense concentration to disregard Steve’s gear that hung on little hooks in the wardrobe. I picked up all of the tech Tony made me, knife throwing was my specialty, so I had a backpack’s worth of taser-like knives, with sharp, serrated edges. So, pointed I made sure to be extra careful when packing those. I threw a couple of the little handguns Natasha had given me when I first started out at SHIELD in the backpack as well, ensuring that they were secured in one of the many pouches. I pulled off some of my black leather stealth gear off of the hangers and stuffed those in the nearly bursting backpack. That would be enough for now. I knew Pepper would let us use the Avengers tower and was well aware of the weapons room they had there. Having a very similar skill set to both Natasha and Clint, I would be able to utilize their stock.

After finishing packing my weapons, I snuck a peak at Bucky who was buried in the little closet Steve and I shoved our civilian clothes into. Bucky was currently finishing zipping the remainder of my clothes into one massive suitcase, he had a small pile of shoes lying in front of him that would come next. I was happy he didn’t try to chit chat with me, it would make things far more difficult than they already were. I set down the very heavy backpack and headed back into the living room. I strode over to the kitchen and opened our “bills and shit” drawer, grabbing the rent check, a pad of paper, a pen, and an envelope I began to work on my brief explanation to my super.

_Grace,_

_I am so sorry this is short notice, but Steve and I had a falling out and are no longer living together. I really can’t bring myself to continue living in the apartment, here’s the last rent check, and the things I’m bringing with me to my new place are packed up. Again, sorry about the inconvenience of this all._

_Thanks,_

_Jo_

I chastised myself for being a major asshole by leaving pretty much all of my belongings behind. But I’m sure someone would be happy to rent a furnished apartment, especially with all the blip confusion going on. Shrugging off my selfish act, I walked to the little bathroom and put my toiletries into a drawstring bag, along with a couple of towels. I really didn’t know how well-equipped Bucky and Sam were. I guess it wouldn’t matter if we were going to live in the Avengers tower, but even then, it hasn’t been used in years.

I hastily flipped off the light in the bathroom and made it back to the bedroom to help Bucky finish up packing. I walked in on him stacking the last of my things into a suitcase, there were a couple dresses in the pile. He must have dug through the very back of my closet. I sat down on the edge of the bed and avoided staring at him. I looked down at the quilt folded neatly next to me and brought the soft material up to my face. The smell of Steve was so potent here, there was the sweet tint of laundry soap and under it was something earthy. It hit me this would be the last time I would ever be in this bedroom. After all, I would be moving all the essentials out and then give the keys to my super. Someone would inevitably rent out the apartment. They would clean out all the remnants of Steve and then he would be a memory. Would I eventually clear him from my mind?

“Jo, I’m done here. Is there anything else you want to do?” Bucky asked, sitting next to me on the edge of the bed. He slung an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close against him. Bucky was warm, and I relished in the heat radiating from his body. Anything to fill the empty void that now sunk in my chest. I buried my face in his soft grey T-shirt and mumbled incoherently. I didn’t even know what I was trying to say.

“I miss him.” Came out of my mouth, so soft I wasn’t entirely sure Bucky had heard it. But then he pulled me closer against him and rested his chin on top of my hair. I let Bucky hold me because I couldn’t bring myself to hold back the tidal wave of emotions that threatened their release.

“Me too.” He whispered, his hot breath fanned across my hair, causing me to shudder. I wrapped my arm across his strong chest into a weird kind of side hug. But he didn’t seem to mind. We were both hurting. There was a Steve size hole in all of us.

That’s when the tears finally burst out of my eyes like a busted dam. I was sobbing into Bucky’s shirt and he didn’t say a damn thing. Just held me tight. Because what reassuring bullshit could he come with right now? Nothing. How do you prepare for your boyfriend of five years to up and leave you one day? The answer is simple, you can’t. Because you thought you meant more to him than that. Maybe this would all be easier if Steve had given me some explanation before he left. But there was nothing. I didn’t know if I could ever bring myself to be as happy as I was in that stupid picture on my nightstand. This job made it easy enough to avoid love. I would certainly be busy enough. Because if Steve Rogers could do this much damage, I’d hate to see what another guy could do.

I felt bad for the tear stains that were soaking through Bucky’s T-shirt, but I couldn’t stop the waterfall of tears that continued to stream out of my eyes. The last time I had cried was in front of Steve. Only him and Natasha had ever seen that side of me. But it was after her death and I was too uncomfortable at her funeral to bring myself to tears. I felt shitty about it because if you couldn’t cry at your best friend’s funeral, what kind of monster were you? Steve hadn’t made me feel guilty about it though. He told me we all handle grief differently and it was clear how much Nat meant to me, meant to us. We sat on the edge of the bed, the very spot where Bucky and I now sat, and I vented to Steve everything tumbling around my brain. He held me close against his chest and I couldn’t remember when the crying started or stopped but he was always there to hold me.

Bucky’s warm presence, the spicy smell that came from his shirt, was so different from Steve but not necessarily bad. The fact that he wasn’t trying to bullshit me to stop crying was something else entirely, it was different. Because Bucky wasn’t Steve. I was glad he wasn’t. I felt like I could start to depend on Bucky, the cold in my chest melted as I sat there in his arms crying over Steve. I couldn’t imagine how Bucky felt about this. The one constant from his past up and leaving one day, they never even had the time to totally rekindle their friendship. Though, with the way Steve talked about Bucky, it seemed like he knew no matter how much they both tried, their friendship would never be the same as it was in the 1940’s. Something told me Bucky was well aware of this too, he didn’t talk about Steve nearly as much as I thought he would. But maybe he was also trying to spare my feelings. It was probably easier to pretend he didn’t exist.

“I’m sorry Bucky.” I murmured, the choking had all but nearly subsided and the salty wet tears began to dry on my face, creating a crusty mask. His bright blue eyes met my own and I clung to how soft they were, how someone so hard and guarded could show such gentleness. Bucky cocked an eyebrow and his face looked puzzled.

“What are you talking about Jo? You didn’t ruin this shirt if that’s what you’re worried about, and even then, it’s a shitty grey T-shirt. I have twenty of them.” Bucky commented, his voice was low and gruff in my ear. It vibrated through my body from his warm chest.

I couldn’t break away from Bucky’s piercing gaze, I needed something to lock onto. This close to his face I could find all of the little lines on his forehead, see how long and thick his eyelashes were. I was mesmerized with how they fluttered when Bucky blinked. His pink lips were pressed together in a tight frown, and it only brought out his beard. Being this close to him meant that if I lied to him, he would be able to tell. I didn’t want to be dishonest with him anyways. “I’m sorry you lost your best friend. I’m crying like an idiot because I dated him for a couple years. But he’s been part of your life since the 40’s. He was the one last thing from your past and now he’s just gone.”

Bucky’s eyes widened at my confession and he broke eye contact with me swiftly, though his hand pressed into my shoulder tightly. “It’s okay Jo, really, Steve and I haven’t been close in a long time. I hoped that after all this Thanos shit we could actually work on being close friends again, but then he left. Maybe things are better that way anyways. Leaves little room for disappointment.” My heart sank into my stomach at his words, I doubted Bucky had high expectations for many people. He had been let down so many times, always guarded, he could never be sure who was truly on his side.

“Maybe they are. It leaves a lot to the imagination though.” I muttered and wiped my face with my arm. I’m sure I looked like a giant mess, but Bucky didn’t seem to mind, or maybe he was just doing me a solid. Bucky’s chuckle rumbled through his chest and I wished he laughed more; he had an infectious laugh.

“Yeah, I guess it does. But you know, out of sight, out of mind. This job will be a good thing for us Jo.” Bucky said, his voice sounding more and more sure as his sentence flowed. I smiled and elbowed him lightly in the ribs, he shoved me back in the same fashion. Which caused us both to break into a little giggle fit.

“I’m ready to get out of here Buck. Thank you, for everything. This place would’ve been abandoned if you hadn’t dragged me back.” I said as he helped up and off the bed. We exited the bedroom and a shudder ran through me, how eerie that the apartment looked so unchanged by Steve’s absence. It was like he never existed.

We crossed back into the living room and I quickly picked up the stuffed envelope that was laying on the coffee table, I’d have to slip it under my super’s door and hope she understood my situation. I guess if there was a problem she’d eventually know where to find me. I pushed those trivial thoughts away from my brain and shouldered the heavy backpack full of weapons. Part of me felt like I should say goodbye to the apartment, I’d spent probably the happiest time of my life living here. Though that wasn’t necessarily because of the space, but because of who I was living with. Only Steve could make the post-snap world a relatively good place to live in.

Bucky eyed me curiously, something was brewing beneath his calm features as he watched me. He didn’t pressure me into leaving. I needed to get one last glimpse of the apartment. Regard the books littering the shelf that I had never read. Look fondly on the leather sofa I had spent many late nights collapsing onto, just to find myself in bed the next morning, with Steve sleeping soundly by my side. But I had to acknowledge the bad that had happened here too. The sleepless nights of hovering over sheets upon sheets of intel, logging numbers into the computer. Trying to find something that would bring back what we lost. The little arguments with Steve, debating whether we should give up the hopeless job entirely and try to move on with our lives, be like Tony and forget everything. Then there were the silent nights after Tony and Natasha’s deaths. Where Steve and I were too mentally exhausted to even speak each other. To do anything other than sit on opposite sides of the room. I was ready to leave everything behind and move on. Like Bucky said, this was the first step.

“Let’s get out of here, I’m starving.” I whispered to Bucky. Gently, I tugged on his arm and lead him out of the empty apartment. This time, I didn’t bother to look back.

We wheeled my crap down to the first level of the apartment complex and I slid the envelope in my hand under Grace’s door. I turned to Bucky and gave him a small smile, something to show him that I didn’t entirely feel like I was drowning. He returned the grin and little dimples creased the corners of his mouth, something I’d never noticed about Bucky before. As we picked up my belongings and headed outside, I started to observe Bucky more.

I had never formally _looked_ at Bucky. The way that the sun brought out hues of gold in his light brown hair or how his skin absorbed the sunlight so easily, he always seemed to look tan. I took in the way he walked; it was certainly intimidating. Long strides were matched with the wide, bulking muscle of his chest and arms. I had to practically speed walk just to keep up with him, though I was short compared to his tall frame, I’d never considered Steve slender, but Bucky was bigger than him. Taller and he altogether had more girth to him. But there was something protective about the way Bucky walked close to my side. Our eyes would lock occasionally as he would gaze down at me and then look around the crowded Brooklyn streets, taking in the surroundings around us. A couple of times our arms brushed against each other when I would shift the backpack or drawstring bag to a different shoulder. His metal arm was cold against my heated skin. The first time I shivered but eventually it felt nice with the hot sun pounding on us, making the back of my neck slick with sweat. My stomach dropped every so often when our eyes met, I could so clearly see the sun reflecting in those azure eyes, matching the cloudless, blue sky around us. My mind wandered, and I wondered what he thought when he looked into my eyes.

“Are you still hungry? We could stop for a burger before we get back to the apartment.” Bucky suggested, and my stomach rumbled loudly in response. His broad shoulders shook with laughter and despite the heat in my cheeks, I laughed too. My stomach had a mind of its own.

“Well, I guess that’s my answer.”

Bucky laughed again and he didn’t look so tired for a moment. The smile lit up his eyes and he looked awake, and alive. “Come on Jo, I know a place.” He reached out to playfully shove my shoulder and we continued to have spurts of laughter as we combed our way through the busy streets of Brooklyn.

Maybe it was the sunshine or my new observations of Bucky, but part of me felt better. Felt a little bit whole. I guess Bucky was right. The first step was always the hardest, and everything that followed would be easier. I wondered if someday down the road, years from now or even months, the thought of Steve wouldn’t gnaw at my chest.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jo begins to process the newfound feelings swirling around in her brain; for Bucky and the idea of having to move into the Avengers Tower. Sealing her fate as one of the newfound Avengers. Though, when the crew arrives at the tower, everything is not as it seems because there's someone from their past waiting for them.

Packing up all of the stuff in my apartment must have done a number on Bucky and me. The little burger shack he had mentioned was only a couple of blocks away from where my old apartment was. It was a cute little hole in the wall, there were wooden picnic tables outside of the bright yellow building. The food smelled amazing, the salty tang of French fries made my mouth water, and before I knew it there was a cheeseburger sitting in front of me. Bucky and I didn’t necessarily talk much during our lunch, both us being far too preoccupied with eating, and maybe on my part, a little embarrassed. I knew I had no reason to be embarrassed of the spectacle that Bucky had witnessed today, but part of me was frustrated with showing so much of myself to him, like that little slice of vulnerability would come back and bite me later.

I could say I trusted Bucky, partially due to the fact that he had been so helpful these past two days, but also, because I knew how much Steve had loved Bucky. Despite everything, I trusted Steve’s judgement on who he decided to bring into his life. He worked damn hard to get Bucky back, even now, I had to trust his instincts. Even after we had finished our burgers Bucky was looking around the busy streets of Brooklyn with a peaceful look on his face. I wondered how long it had been since Bucky was in the city, cognitively, I’m sure Hydra had him running around New York City.

“You ready to head back?” I asked, my voice cracked, still so dry from the crying I had done an hour earlier. Bucky’s blue eyes lightened, and a small smile graced his face, he cleared our trays and we began our walk back to our apartment. I was very aware of the sweat slowly creeping its way down my neck, dripping across my back. I was in desperate need of a shower and inched a little closer to the road, trying to make sure Bucky didn’t smell my stench. He cocked an eyebrow at this but continued on his way.

We arrived back to the little apartment building and both hurried up the metal stairs up to the third floor. The little hallway leading up to the apartment door itself was very similar to the one in my old building, it had the same musty smell of mothballs, and the trademark flickering light bulbs screwed tightly into the stained ceiling. It had probably been white at some point but now it was a dingy tan color. I suppose I had stayed in sketchier hotels. As we approached the chipped maroon door, I could hear Sam’s distinct voice echoing from the other side. It sounded like he was in the middle of an intense conversation. Bucky and I shot each other a look and he opened the door loudly, a little message to Sam, telling him we were back.

He was pacing around the brightened living room with his cell phone stuck up to his ear, Sam was wearing a tight fitted red athletic shirt and a pair of black basketball shorts. He continued rubbing his hands over his black hair, he seemed agitated, and curiosity burned through me. I wondered who was on the other end of the phone. Even when Bucky shut the door tightly behind us, Sam didn’t seem phased out of his conversation. He briefly acknowledged us with a small wave and then his mouth tightened once more.

“Happy, so you mean to tell me the kid isn’t going to be around _at all_ this summer? Fuck, man we need to meet up with him at some point. Okay, well, when can he meet up? What do you mean he wants to scale back?” Sam said incredulously into the phone, he must be talking about Peter, who evidently, wasn’t available for whatever reason.

Sam’s brown eyes softened, sighing loudly he rubbed his bicep and nodded. “I understand, he’s been through a lot. If he finds time before he leaves, just tell him we’d like to meet up with him. Thanks, Happy, yeah you too. Okay, bye.” Sam ended the call with a simple tap of his phone as he looked up at Bucky and I. Something glinted in his honey brown eyes and I could hardly tell if it was good or bad news.

“That was Happy on the phone, I was calling to ask him if Peter would be available to come and train with us and it turns out the kid is on a trip to Europe all summer.” Sam explained; irritation slipped back into his voice. I giggled under my breath; it was comical to imagine Spider-Man galivanting all across Europe on summer vacation.

“Damn, I wish we got to go on vacation. Sounds like a sweet deal to me.” I teased, making Sam crack a small smile. Bucky rolled his eyes and crossed his large arms across his chest, looking back and forth from Sam and me.

“Well we’re dirt poor anyways Jo, sorry to break the news,” Sam chuckled and then his face transformed, into the one of a leader. “Anyways, I called Pepper today and she gave us the green light on moving into the Avengers Tower. She warned me that it might need a little fixing up, she couldn’t remember the last time Tony worked on it.”

Bucky cocked an eyebrow and looked around the living room, this hadn’t stayed home for very long. Though I was okay with it, I didn’t think I could ever feel at home in a place like this. So minimalist and normal. I was far too used to the intensity of being part of a team, living in a compound, training with superheroes at the crack of dawn.

“So, we’re moving in tonight then?” Bucky asked as he uncrossed his arms, instead shoving both of his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. He looked visibly uncomfortable, but I couldn’t figure out why, I was certain Bucky was the most adept at moving around out of the three of us.

Sam seemed to miss the agitation in Bucky’s body language. “Yeah that’s the plan, we have a lot of work to get done. Fury said he’s used to a team much larger than this. So, this means a lot of late nights coming up. Not like we had much of a social life in the first place.”

“Sam, how do you know I don’t have a booming social calendar?” I quipped; sarcasm flooded my tone. I noticed Bucky’s tense shoulders ease up ever so slightly and was happy my joke landed with one of them. Sam looked like he wanted to laugh but was trying very hard to hold back a snicker. Instead he shot me one of his famous: _“You’re not funny, Jo,”_ looks.

“I find that hard to believe Josephine,” A giggle burst out of me at the usage of my full name, very rarely had I heard Sam call me Josephine. Most commonly I was known to him as “kid” or even Jo, but never Josephine. Why he called me kid when in all honesty I wasn’t too much younger than him, was beyond me? He probably had picked it up from Natasha.

“Anyways, Fury also told me there are literally stacks of files on Hydra that need to be looked through on the gifted beings. After the Avengers originally defeated Hydra, Natasha was able to pick up a ton of intel from Strucker’s notebooks and shit. Jo, you’ll need to check that out ASAP tonight. Fury said you’d be the only person able to deceiver Natasha’s handwriting.” Sam explained to Bucky and me hurriedly, like he was going through a mental checklist in his head before we packed up the apartment. It would be a lot of moving in the span of two days.

I could pick up Bucky glancing at me from the corner of my eye and looked between the two men who towered over me. My heart sank at the very thought of having to look through Natasha’s notes, but all at once I was eager to read about the intel, the thrill of the case coursed through my veins. It was a better adrenaline rush than any rollercoaster. Even though it was irritating after everything Hydra was able to crawl back into society. As if it wasn’t hard enough to squash the bug in the first place. I guess there was a small benefit to having nobody on the team. We wouldn’t need to worry about an infiltration when it was just Sam, Bucky, and the occasional Wanda working on the case with me.

“Okay, yeah she had a really odd method to organizing her intel. She liked to show off. So like half of her notes would be written in English, and then she would switch. Repeatedly.” I told Sam and Bucky who were looking at me with confusion written across their faces. Sam nodded with a small smile. No one could doubt Natasha’s hidden genius. Never flamboyant about it like Tony.

“I wouldn’t expect any less from her,” Sam murmured half to himself. The room got very quiet for a second as we reminisced about our friend. Who I kept forgetting was dead. It felt like she was on an undercover mission or something. I couldn’t fathom the fact she was gone for good this time. It plagued me that she never even got the chance to say goodbye.

“Sam, before we leave, I’m going to shower and change my clothes because I’m disgusting. Bucky and I went already cleaned out my apartment anyways, so I’m all packed up. I’m sure you boys don’t have much here.” I said, as I grabbed the little drawstring bag that had my bathroom toiletries in it and one of the random bags stuffed with clothes and headed off to their tiny bathroom.

As I shut the door behind me, I could hear Bucky whispering something to Sam, but I couldn’t understand much of their conversation. I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to. I ducked my head behind the yellowed shower curtain and cranked on the water, which was ice cold as it poured out of the small showerhead. I hummed impatiently to myself as I peeled off my sticky and sweat covered clothes. I bided my time while I waited for the shower to heat up, which would surely be a gradual process based on how the pipes made a rattling sound initially. Well, I would be ready to move out of this apartment. I knew that even though the Avengers Tower had been slightly abandoned after Ultron, it still would have better facilities than this rinky dinky apartment. The curtain squeaked as I pulled back the shower curtain once more and felt the tepid water, figuring it wouldn’t be getting much warmer, I stepped in the shower and shuddered as the water hit my bare back.

As I scrubbed my bar of soap across my arms, I figured that the hardest part about the tower wouldn’t be getting accustomed to another surrounding. But it would be the lingering ghosts of people who were now gone that would surely be present at the Avengers tower. Steve, Tony, and Natasha had spent much of their time at the facility. They trained there together, even sometimes lived there together when they were doing missions. There was nothing that could prepare me for what I would see when we moved in there permanently.

I worked the shampoo into my hair slowly and methodically. I allowed myself to get in tune with my body, how I continued to shiver as the chilly water pounded against my chest, in a sense maybe it was numbing the pain that was beginning to gnaw at me one again. The warmth I had felt this afternoon with Bucky was long gone at the thought of having to face the past. A past I hadn’t even been part of but was still affected by. The lack of closure in my life frustrated me to my core. I was in pain over everything that had occurred recently. But Natasha’s death caused me grief, with no amount of frustration besides the fact that I couldn’t bring her back. Steve frustrated me more than it made me upset. He hadn’t sacrificed himself for the team. He had been selfish and left us. Not just me, I wasn’t the only one who was affected by his choices. He had left his best friends, one of which was the only thing he had left from his past. Steve was the only thread Bucky could attach himself to, to who he used to be. Now that link was gone, and Bucky would have to readjust himself. For someone who was notoriously kind and heroic, this wasn’t the Steve I knew. Why did he need to go back to Peggy when I was here? I yanked on my hair as I washed out the conditioner, maybe a little to harshly. I had to face the core of my thoughts and feelings. I knew I wouldn’t be able to move on if I was still grappling with the fact that Steve had left me. Because I didn’t satisfy him enough, emotionally or physically even. I wouldn’t be able to ask him why he left because he literally just disappeared. All I had now was a mind teeming with speculations varying from realistic ones like maybe he just wanted to grip too tightly to his past. Or the very wild and radical ones, that he had never truly loved me. Had I just been a distraction?

I angrily turned off the water and the handle groaned as I slammed it against the bathtub. Sometimes I forgot my own strength. How my anger had always been the biggest motivating factor inside of me. I toweled off and reminded myself of Natasha’s careful words, about how these feelings needed a specific direction, when we first had started training with each other at the Avengers compound in New York, not too long after they first disbanded Hydra.

***

_Natasha slammed me into the rubber mat once more. My sweat beaten face was pressed up against the slick vinyl of the gymnasium mats. We had been at this for hours and I was frustrated, and exhausted. Every time I thought I had the upper hand she would surprise me, either with a clean leg swipe to my ankles or sending me down with an elbow to the back. Part of me wished that I was able to train with Steve or Sam, maybe they wouldn’t be so relentless or at least tell me what I was doing wrong. Though I had never really had much conversation with the elusive Captain America or even the Falcon. Even when Natasha brought me into Avengers meetings, they would hardly move away from whatever agenda item they were talking about. Then following would always be more training with Nat. Either it was working on uncovering intel in a short period of time or weapons or like this morning, hand on hand combat training._

_Natasha would knock me to the mat and then she’d help me up, “Time to get back into position Jo.” Then we’d go at it once more. She’d knock me down. Repeat cycle until it was 5am and we have been training in the compound’s gymnasium since two in the fucking morning. I was grateful, sure, to have the opportunity to train with the world’s best assassin turned spy. But I wished she would offer more help._

_“Come on Jo, get up. Let’s go one more time, alright?” She said as she gripped my clammy hand tightly into her cold ones. Natasha’s bright red hair was plaited back into a loose French braid that was now falling out. It looked like she had barely broken a sweat, just a small sheen on the top of her forehead. Her bright green eyes were focused entirely on me._

_I sighed wearily as she pulled me off the ground, my joints cracking uncomfortably as I slowly moved back into fighting position. Back in the days of SHIELD I would have considered myself to be pretty good at hand to hand combat, but the Avengers were top tier fighters. Natasha was constantly saying we needed to keep up with Thor and Cap. At this point I was certain I would be royally fucked if I ever entered combat with a god._

_My leggings were bunched up around my thighs and I didn’t even bother adjusting them, they’d soon be messed up once more. Instead I focused on Natasha who was in ready position, her fists were raised slightly in the air and she was bouncing lightly from one foot to the other. She reminded me of a dancer with her quick, graceful step. I breathed in and out quickly and set myself into a similar position. Though my bouncing wasn’t light and graceful like hers, instead it reminded me of myself, blunt and quick. I noticed how her eyes kept trailing to my left arm, my weaker arm. My frustration was beginning to cloud my vision and I thought about how satisfying it would be to pin her down for once. I tried to ignore Steve and Sam boxing on the opposite end of the gym._

_I let my impulses take over and spun around to strike a blow to her chest, but she was already there, gripping my hand in her vice like hands. I yanked hard on her arm and spun her around like it was a dance routine, right up against my chest. She squirmed for a moment and then kicked my knee, sending me toppling backwards in pain. Red began to tint my vision and I could feel the frustration intensifying inside of me. I charged at her in a sprint and then kicked her legs out from underneath her, she fell onto her ass with a surprised gasp. This time I didn’t make the mistake in admiring my good work, instead I tackled her hard against the mat. I rested my arm against her shoulder and pressed her face into the mat, until the red fell out of my vision, and I noticed she was patting my hand lightly to release her._

_I sat back on my knees and chewed my lip nervously; I couldn’t even feel pride at the fact that I had finally taken down Natasha. Just guilt that I had let my temper take over my entire body. Something I knew not to do in the first place. Natasha rolled over and sat up, so she was facing me, there were red marks streaking against her collarbone, making her pale skin stand out. Her cat-like green eyes narrowed in on me and she cocked one eyebrow._

_“How do you feel, Jo?” She asked, very pointedly, as if she could read my mind. I was very aware of the fact that Sam and Steve had stopped their boxing entirely, instead their gazes burned me. I couldn’t look into Natasha’s eyes._

_“Like shit.” I muttered and removed the tape from my middle and ring finger on my right hand. I snuck a glance up at Natasha’s face and was relieved to see a small smile across her pink lips. I didn't know how she would react to my little stint, how I hadn't realized how harshly I was digging my elbow into her shoulder. Sometimes I forgot that I was strong and had the capacity to hurt those around me. Being surrounded my super beings made me forget about this side of me. I always felt like the most normal person in the room, especially when I was surrounded by the rest of the Avengers._

_“Good. Do you know why you were able to take me down so easily just now?” Natasha asked, this time her voice was much softer, though I was certain Steve and Sam were still able to pick up on it. I shook my head slowly, why was I suddenly able to pin Natasha to the ground so early in the morning, when I was exhausted?_

_“It’s because you let your anger and frustration for me fester inside of you this whole morning. I’ve started to notice this about you Jo, you can hold a grudge like no one else’s business. You’re pissed to be up this morning, and then I kept beating you. I didn’t explain myself because I wanted you to be able to analyze me and pick up my strategies. The first thing you need to learn about fighting these gods or people like Steve is once you pick up on their fighting style, it is much easier to adapt yourself to create a better threat and match for them. Maybe you won’t be able to defeat them, most likely you won’t, but you’ll be able to last a little longer in a fight. But you just now, were so close to doing that you know? Those first two moves were fantastic, but after that, you let your anger take over, and it literally clouded your vision. Controlling your feelings in a fight or even in everyday life is one of the most important skills you can learn.” She explained to me; her voice was never once harsh nor condescending. I absorbed the information with wide eyes and knitted my eyebrows together._

_“I’ve always had a bad temper, so does that mean even if I learn to safely tap into it, it’ll still hurt me anyway?” I asked, my voice sounded childlike in my ears. Though I felt like a baby compared to the rest of the team, they were all at least five or ten years older than me, I felt like I wasn’t even mature enough to be at their level. In any capacity._

_Natasha’s small smile spread across her face and she squeezed my sweaty hand gently. Her green eyes lightened with warmth and for a moment I felt accepted by her. Natasha was beginning to seem like the sister I never had, and I was thankful for it. “That’s the thing about our strengths, Jo. They can easily switch from being extremely beneficial to becoming the cause of our demise, it’s up to you to decide how you want to use your temper. Don’t worry about it, we have lots of time to work on it. I got you kid.” She reassured me with another light pat on my shoulder and then helped me to my feet. I glanced back over to where Steve and Sam were standing and swore, I saw a little glimmer in the Captain’s ocean colored eyes._

_***_

I shook myself out of my train of thought and got dressed in the black leggings and long maroon T-shirt I had brought with into the bathroom. My brown hair was beginning to dry, and the simple waves brushed against my shoulders. I applied a little bit of mascara, packed up my shit, and exited the bathroom.

When I entered the living room, Sam and Bucky were sitting on the couch together in the middle of a quiet conversation, duffel bags were laid out at their feet. I wondered how long they had been waiting for me and felt a twinge of guilt for taking so long. But I brushed it away, I needed that little TLC to get my thoughts straight. I didn’t doubt that they would understand. Bucky’s blue eyes snapped up from the floor as I entered the room.

“Ready to go?” He asked, a small grin hung on his pink lips and I nodded hurriedly. I was ready to get the hell out of here, and finally accomplish something. Though something told me that even if I threw myself entirely into training and research it wouldn’t be enough. Healing was a long-term process.

We gathered up our things and hurried out of the apartment, none of us had been here long enough to consider the run-down Brooklyn apartment home. Bucky and Sam hadn’t even been around the past five years. I doubted they thought of anywhere as home. The thought itself made me extremely sad, I couldn’t imagine what that would feel like. As we stepped out onto the sidewalk the burning sun was still high up in the bright blue sky, I immediately felt its immense warmth and regretted wearing such dark clothes. A black SUV that screamed Nick Fury was parked outside and Sam motioned for us to throw our things into the empty trunk.

The drive downtown was long to say the very least. The Avengers tower was in the heart of Manhattan, a good distance from Brooklyn, you add on after work traffic and the entire car ride was a giant nightmare. I sat in between Bucky and Sam in the back seat though neither of them said much besides the occasional comment on how horrible the traffic was.

“When will we start training?” I piped up, bored from the silence and wanting to distract my racing thoughts. Sam tapped out a rhythm on his leg and shrugged.

“Hopefully tomorrow morning, Pepper made it sound like we’d have some cleaning up to do when we got there. Bucky and I can handle it though Jo, I want you to start looking through Natasha’s notes. Fury made it seem like there were _a lot_.” Sam muttered under his breath, not wanting to talk too loudly. I glanced up at the driver’s seat and frowned, I didn’t recognize the driver whatsoever. But then again, I had been out of Fury’s loop for a long time now, he probably hired new people.

“Okay, I guess this will be a good time to refresh myself on all the languages she made me learn.” I added with a small laugh; it was easier to talk about Natasha like she was still here. I would just have to be in deep denial for a minute. It was easier than facing reality.

Sam cocked a small grin and his booming laugh left his body. “Bet you never thought that would come in handy.” I elbowed him lightly in the ribs and rolled my eyes. He was absolutely right. Sam had been one of few people I would complain to about how oddly specific Natasha’s training was. Of course, with no explanation half the time. I had been young and naïve. How was I supposed to know she was preparing me to function without her? Natasha was legendary for being ten steps ahead of everyone around her, even Tony.

A gasp fell out of my mouth as we approached the Avengers Tower, somehow much more magnificent then I ever thought it could be. Though it blended in with the other glass skyscrapers surrounding it, there was something about the tower itself that stood out among the steel towers. Maybe it was the highly primitive reflection of its surroundings. Or the blue glass that hugged the building, blending in amongst the gorgeous blue sky above. My eyes raked the building and just at the very peak of the tower was the famous Avengers “A” with a balcony stretching out behind the tower’s signature mark. This was truly one of the many brain children of Tony Stark. His touch was covering the building, especially the sleekness compared to the surrounding skyscrapers.

Sam was staring at Bucky and I with a small smirk on his face, having been to the tower in its prime and I was certain Sam was used to the surreal grandeur of the Avengers tower. I snuck a small glance to Bucky who was on my right and his mouth was parted as he gaped up at our new home. His blue eyes widened as he took in the massive “A” at the top of the tower and something came over his face, maybe a sense of pride. Nonetheless, it was enough to make the corners of my mouth twitch up into the smallest smile. I had to remind myself that despite the tremendous blow of loss, there were little hidden gems of good in my life. Being in front of the Avengers tower with Sam and Bucky was one of those little things.

Sam waved to the SUV driver as we unloaded the rest of our things from the trunk, taking a moment to turn away from the reflective tower. After we picked up our luggage from the sidewalk Bucky and I trailed after Sam as he lead us up to the front door. It almost reminded me of the sliding doors you’d see in a hotel, except there was a pin pad adjacent to the doors with a swiping mechanism for an ID card along with a little camera. I had expected as much security protocol. You couldn’t have just any old riff raff wandering into the Avengers tower I supposed.

“Pepper’s having keys for you guys made up and they’ll be mailed here tomorrow. Then you’ll have to pick an ID code and register your faces into the system. I’ve been entered in so for today I can swipe you guys in.” Sam explained to us as a little red light emerged from the pin pad and scanned Sam’s face as he entered in a copulation of numbers into the little machine.

An automated voice chimed: “Sam Wilson,” and with a whoosh of cold air, the sliding doors separated and the three of us hurried through the doors into the main lobby. I was astounded at how the glass tiles on the exterior of the building had completely restricted my ability to see into the first floor. It was like any old secretary lobby of an office building. Glass chandeliers hung from the ceiling in a line of three across the massive white tinted lobby. My shoes squeaked against the pristine marble floors, shiny enough where I could see my reflection staring back at me. Just across from where I was standing was a large oak desk equipped with three different computer stations, little black dividers divvied up the stations into separate areas. Three people could be doing different tasks at the computers and not have a singular clue as to what the person next to them was doing.

I looked around the rest of the cold room for a moment and regarded the multiple blue leather sofas strewn about the room. I wondered how much the main floor of the Avenger’s building would differ in comparison to this room.

“Okay, so this is the main lobby, not much to look at but it kind of divides up the public from the rest of the building. The next two floors will be where we spend 90% of our time. Second floor is the training space, so we have a massive computer lab, science laboratory, and a state-of-the-art training facility. Then the third floor is the living area, with a kitchen, bedrooms with separate bathrooms attached, and a living room. You know, the absolute works and then some. We’re going to be heading up to the main living area because Pepper said it was the messiest area apparently.” Sam said as he walked towards the sleek black elevator just to the left of the massive oak desk.

Bucky and I followed in suit and the three of us climbed into the surprisingly spacious elevator. I shifted nervously from foot to foot as the elevator quickly ascended up to the third floor of the building, growing increasingly uncomfortable with the awkward silence. I could feel the heat radiating off of Bucky and it made my body shiver, I had no desire to acknowledge the tumbling screaming of feelings and thoughts that were arising inside of my mind. I just needed to get to the files, focus on the task at hand and not how Bucky’s calloused fingers were just barely touching my hand, with enough electricity where I could almost feel sparks bouncing between us.

The elevator doors opened with a dull ding and I shoved past Sam to get out of the elevator and onto the third floor of the building. Though nothing could’ve prepared me for what was standing in the living room. More like who in all honesty though. I yelped in surprise, sending the bags in my hand crashing onto the marble floors with a loud thud. In a flash Bucky was at my side, standing ever so slightly in front of me, his body tense.

It took a moment for both him and Sam to realize what I had. That we weren’t alone. Instead someone, a ghost really, was standing in front of us. I could hardly recognize him, I didn’t remember the last time I had seen him in general, let alone in this state. But I could hardly repress the shining grin that spread across my face as he awkwardly waved at us in greeting.

“Hey, guys. It's been awhile.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After running into an old friend at the Avengers tower. Jo has to buckle down and go down memory lane, she only hopes Natasha taught her enough to make it through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry a chapter update is coming this late. Last year was kind of crazy for me, leaving little to no room to work on this fic!

“Bruce?” I asked incredulously, I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen him in his human state. But he looked normal I guess; his curly salt and pepper hair was in its usual frenzy. His navy-blue button-down shirt was wrinkled in several places and was tucked messily into his khakis. Bruce was typically in several forms of disarray. Though his dark brown eyes twinkled, he looked sad, like he had been walking around in a daze as of late. Which he probably had been. I hadn’t heard anything from him these past couple of days. I could only assume he had disappeared like Thor.

Bruce rubbed his fingers together, a little nervous tick he seemed to have. He cocked his head ever so slightly like a confused puppy. His gaze flickered back and forth from myself to the protective stance Bucky still held in front of me. Even Sam shot me a glance, eyebrows raised, asking me a silent question I had no desire to answer. I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot though I couldn’t ignore the warmth that spread through my body at the thought of Bucky being remotely protective of me.

“Hi Jo, I’m sorry I didn’t call. Things— everything has been crazy and I’m just trying to find something to spend my time on that isn’t _this_.” Bruce confessed, his voice was a little hoarse and strained against his throat. I side-stepped around Bucky and rubbed Bruce’s arm tenderly with my hand. Moving on was impossible for all of us. Tony had been one of Bruce’s best friends and I couldn’t imagine what he was going through.

“No, Bruce I totally understand. I honestly think we’re all scrambling for something to do. A distraction from all the other shit.” I said with a slight shrug of my shoulders, gesturing to Sam and Bucky who nodded in agreement.

“Why are you here?” Sam piped up, crossing his arms across his chest. Always Sam to bring the pleasantries right back around to business. Bruce chuckled nervously and looked around the room, like he was searching for something that wasn’t quite there.

“I was going to just leave a note, but I wanted to see you guys. It feels like its been months but really it was just the other day we…” He trailed off and coughed loudly into the crook of his elbow before continuing. “Anyways, Pepper told me that you guys were planning on moving in here and I thought I should revamp the tech. This place hasn’t been used in years, and I was thinking a fresh start would be nice for all of us. Maybe it would make moving on a little easier.”

I smiled solemnly at this, though I had never been in the Avengers tower before, Sam was looking around the room in keen observation. The whole third floor had a very nice modern look to it, black marble floors stretched across the vast living room. A giant flat screen TV was mounted on the far wall just above an empty fireplace, across from that were a collection of red leather couches and two armchairs sitting atop of a black and white rug. Just to the left of the fireplace were a set of glass double doors that seemed to lead out onto a balcony.

“It’s really nice, thank you.” I said, sincerely too, it seemed like he put a lot of thought into the place and it showed. Even if he didn’t want to be part of the team anymore, the tiniest bit of effort meant the world to me.

“There are nearly one hundred floors in this entire building, if you guys wanted to, you could all take up several floors each. The top floor is designed similarly to this one for parties and things, you know how much Tony loved those.” Bruce confessed with a quiet laugh and I joined in. Tony had been a party animal at heart. I hoped we were able on to carry those on at least.

“When we get settled in, maybe we’ll have to bring those back.” Sam added with a sincere laugh, and Bruce nodded, with a glimmer of a smile spread across his mouth. Maybe a Tony kind of party would help us all feel a little bit more normal. Or maybe it would bring us more pain than we already had. I wasn’t quite sure.

“I’ll let you guys go though, it seems like you have a lot to get done. If you ever need a scientist’s perspective on things, I’m happy to help. It’s the least I could do for you. You’re the new team, good luck.” Bruce stated ever so thoughtfully, and I nodded, anxiety beginning to worm its way back into my head. I wrapped Bruce in a tight hug, once releasing him he shook hands with both Bucky and Sam. He entered the empty elevator and just like that he was gone.

I blew out a long sigh that had been building up and cast a look between Sam and Bucky. They looked just as confused as I did, what the fuck were we supposed to do next? My only thought was to start reading the files Nick Fury had set aside for me, I had no idea how long it would take to decipher Natasha’s hairbrained way of notetaking.

“I’ll check in with you guys later, okay? I think it’s best if I start reading through Natasha’s files on Hydra.” I explained to them and set off to the elevator, back down to the second floor.

The second floor of the Avengers tower held a similar modern decorative style as the third and first floors. Black marble floors spread out from where the elevator stood. Though, there wasn’t a giant common room to greet me on this level of the building. Instead, I faced wine colored walls that had white and glass paneled doors lining down the hallway. Hesitantly I stepped off of the elevator and peered down the long hallway.

It wasn’t a giant room, that would be stupid for the Avengers to leave all of their files on display. Knowing Natasha, it would be a room at random, probably the dingiest space in the facility. Our enemies thought we were obsessed with our modern tech, and in a way we were. But Natasha was old-school. Few people had known her well enough to pick up on that fact. I started down the long hallway that seemed to stretch on for forever. All the doors looked the same, there were no numbers, it was a chaotic guessing game. I opened many wrong doors just to peer in on empty offices or the occasional supply closet. Maybe I hadn’t known Natasha as well as I thought?

I was about to give up the mission entirely when I passed the second to last door on my right. There wasn’t anything about this door that stood out among the others. But my gut was pulling me this way. The paneling on the door was chipping, I could see flecks of white paint underneath the sleek maroon guise. _Bingo._ A black door handle creaked as I opened it, a very warm air fanned across my face and sent me into a coughing fit. How could that much dust fill a filing room? From the dust to the distinct smell of mothballs and vanilla it was clear to me that no one had used this room in a very long time.

Beige filing cabinets that reached the ceiling were sprinkled across the walls of the small little office, in the center of the room was a round wooden table with creaky, dust covered black office chairs surrounding it. The table was empty, which didn’t surprise me, Natasha would want to keep all the files tucked neatly in their assigned cabinet. She couldn’t leave anything to chance, even in the extremely secure Avengers building. There were no labels on the files which was just convenient for me. The poor idiot who had to search through them all for any information on Hydra and their “miracles.”

“Even in death, you’re still testing me.” I muttered under my breath and shut the door behind me. Already feeling the sweat trickle down my neck, I threw my hair up into a ponytail and grabbed a chair from around the table. It scraped against the wooden floors as I dragged it to the filing cabinet to the far right.

Climbing on it I steadied myself against the cool metal of the cabinet and reached up on my tiptoes to reach the first drawer on the top. It opened smoothly and my eyes glazed over the neat files that were all labeled in Russian. _For fuck’s sake Natasha._ I pulled it out completely and set it on the floor, I did the same thing with the next three sections. Figuring this was a good enough start I sat cross legged on the floor and go to work. It had been a long time since I had read or written anything in Russian and I could already feel the headache that would be coming. Especially if I had to jump between different languages. The manilla folders of the first drawer were scrawled with Natasha’s messy handwriting, which looked like the combination of a toddler and a thirteen-year-old boy’s cursive. It was just brutal to try and read.

_“Одна голова”_

Groaning in frustration I got up from my seated position and scoped the room for a pencil and scratch paper, I had to look between filing cabinets, and under the musty wooden desk before I was able to find a crumpled piece of blank notebook paper and a pencil. I numbered the first line on the paper: File 1 and wrote the title next to it. Her file names weren’t going to be long, they would be short and to the point, because she didn’t need to do a bunch of riddles to encode her information. Simply jumping languages was enough to confuse any other spy. There wasn’t going to be a pattern, either. I knew for a fact that Natasha would write in the language she was “feeling” and then change at random. My only hope at figuring out the contents of each Manila folder without having to hound over every single paper would be understanding her cryptic titles.

“Uh-dna,” I muttered, underlining the first word of the title. I spent a good five minutes trying to remember little phrases of Russian that Natasha had slipped to me. It seemed basic enough, not overly complicated. Was it an old saying or just two different words? Then it hit like a tidal wave. Russian came back. Long nights in the Avengers compound with Natasha, pouring over a notebook paper filled with verbs and different Russian words. She was a patient teacher but I would get so frustrated and confused, each language brought a whole other set of verbs and simple words to memorize. It baffled me how I was able to become fluent in so many, not in all the languages she had wanted me to learn, but a good third of them, I learned. That was enough for her, but that was before Thanos came. Learning languages wasn’t the biggest priority, fighting was the most important at that point.

“One head.” I murmured and peaked inside the file, the papers looked old and most of the pictures were black and white. Of course, this documented the start of Hydra in World War II.

I figured it best to get a base idea of what was going on, so I continued to skim through the stack of paper in the file. It was definitely the biggest one I had picked up, but that made sense, every beginning seemed to have the most information. Especially in comparison to the middle of an organization, that’s when people get sneaky and stop documenting things. I flipped through old photographs of Howard Stark with little SHIELD blurbs along with Hydra founding members and their goal to replicate the super soldier serum used on Steve. I knew this already, Dr. Zola had created his own super soldier serum that he had tested on Bucky, which resulted in him being able to survive that fall from the train. I knew Bucky was the only Hydra super soldier that had survived their training. The rest of them couldn’t handle the chemicals, so it resulted in ultra-violent bursts which pretty much guaranteed their deaths. I knew I was wasting my time looking through this file when I already knew most of its contents, but I continued on. I doubted that they used this same serum to create the miracles like Wanda. There was little to no correlation between the side-effects. The super soldier serum heightened humans’ physicality and lengthened their life span. It didn’t give them powers.

I stumbled upon a photo that took my breath away. It was Steve in his original Captain America uniform, it was ridiculous, he looked like he was dressed up for Halloween opposed to going into battle. But the mask was off, and his blonde hair was disheveled, even in the black and white coloring of the photo I knew his blue eyes were glistening, a wide smile spread across his face. He had his arm wrapped tightly around a smaller man; well I guess he was considered small when you compared him to Steve. The man was maybe an inch shorter; he was clearly muscular and was wearing a dark army uniform, with buttons that decorated his chest. He had short dark hair that looked messy but didn’t make him any less attractive. His mouth had a massive smile on it and it almost looked like he was laughing mid-photo. The light literally gleamed in his eyes and I could tell they were best friends. A gasp tumbled out of my mouth, like I had been punched in the gut. How stupid was I? It was Bucky, Bucky before he was brainwashed into being an assassin, Bucky post Hydra experimentation. But it hadn’t completely transformed him. He looked alive or at least like he wanted to live. There was almost a glimmer of hope in his eyes that made my stomach churn. Bucky’s eyes were dull most of the time, the light never quite met them. I knew he was trying hard to keep it together most of the time. Staring at the old photograph made me miss Steve less but instead a new feeling replaced that longing. It was a pull, this yearning to help Bucky regain some semblance of that happiness. I wanted him to laugh that hard. To be that happy and hopeful that maybe things were going to be okay.

I folded the photo in half and stuck it in my pocket. It was wrong to steal this stuff and deep down I knew it. But also, who else was going to be combing through these files? The photo served as a motivation. Something new to work for, almost like a distraction from the escapism of work. Because maybe we were biting off more than we could chew. I quickly shoved away that negative thought and shut the manilla folder. There wasn’t going to be anything new in there. I pulled the next file onto my lap, the label on this one wasn’t English or Russian.

_Thêm hai vị trí của nó_

I bit my tongue. Mentally cursing Natasha for these language gymnastics, I knew for a fact that it wasn’t French or Spanish. She knew I was fluent in those and could pick on them easily. Combing back through old, cobweb covered memories I tried to think of the languages I had the hardest time learning. I remembered long days laying in bed with a notebook covered in Japanese characters that frustrated me to no end. But this wasn’t it. It would be too easy for her to use different characters altogether. I was getting warmer though. With a little more prodding and thinking I figured it had to be Vietnamese. I had spent hours just complaining to Natasha about learning this one. It was impossible, my brain couldn’t register anything. As soon as I studied one portion of the language I would immediately forget it.

As it turns out, all of the mental gymnastics was for nothing. Pretty soon I had emptied most of the file cabinets and scoured through dozens of files. Spending most of my time on deciphering the language she used in the first place. Sometimes she would repeat, but never when I expected. Eventually I got to the second to last filing cabinet and threw the first file on the floor, a little more aggressive than intended. But I was hot as fuck, the sweat was pooling on my chest, seeping into my T-shirt and unfortunately my bra.

“Fuck,” I mumbled and bent down to pick up the file, this one didn’t seem as worn as the others I had gone to. That seemed promising. I looked at the tiny, sloppy cursive on the top of the file and couldn’t suppress the grin that spread across my face.

_Ukončete to._

This was easy. It was Czech and I knew somewhere out there, Natasha had thrown me a bone just this once. Making me comb through dozens of other files, rewiring my brain to process all of these languages so quickly, just for the answer to be the easy one. The one I had most recently studied and spoken. The one that represented what I consider, our last normal mission together. I allowed the tears to spill out of my eyes, as they rolled down my cheeks the water mixed with the moisture collecting on my upper lip.

I didn’t even look through the file. I knew it had everything we were looking for or at least a portion of it. Who knows how much intel Natasha had gotten on Strucker and Hydra’s reboot? I could only hope it was enough to get us started. Enough to end this long and painful part of the Avengers mission. To give Bucky enough peace of mind for that smile to come back. To hear him laugh for real.

_End it._

Nat. I would try my hardest. For you. For Tony. For _us._


End file.
